some friendship breakups happen suddenly and others feel a lot more like fading to black, gradual, slow, avoidable, until all at once you realize that the flame that burned has been extinguished. it hurts to remember how close someone used to be in comparison to how distant they are now. you tell yourself “i’m overthinking this, we’ll pick back where we left off” but in those still moments of the day, you admit the truth to yourself - that though love is there, the consistency of a close connection is not. to call them your best friend feels dishonest by now.
it hurts because there was no real severence, there is only the inconvenience of living lives in different cities and growing apart instead of together. there is only the effort it would take to respond to each other regularly and find time to FaceTime. there is only the business of daily life that all seems so insignificant when Big moments come to pass. there is only built up fears, resentment, anxieties, two people projecting falsehoods onto each other, too busy and too afraid to bring them to the surface. there is only the false feeling of “knowing what’s going on” in someone’s life that social media brings.
it’s painful but urgent to acknowledge the truth of things. to say this friendship has died is more honest to me. because there are special actions that must be taken to resurrect the dead that would not be necessary to sustain the living. and to take these actions we have to acknowledge to ourselves, even if silently, and to each other that this is the only course of action left.
to anyone who is mourning friendships that have died but not been pronounced dead, i am here and with you. it hurts in a strange way. it hurts to think that your friend is probably not hurting, because they’d say something about it, right? clearly not. let’s be brave, let’s shout from the rooftops how much we love our people and how much we do not want to lose them. life is short and precious and there is no time for pride. there is only time for love, and sometimes love feels like, Why do I have to be the one to say it? But ugh FINE i will do it! I hate how much I love you!!!
I am a very morbid person. I always imagine, what if I died? what if they died? what if their mom died? what would i be doing then? why am i not doing that now? i’d be telling them i love them, i’d be wishing for more time, i’d be questioning why i pretended like there was no other option but to let the friendship die when THERE WERE SO MANY OPTIONS. yes, there are friendships we outgrow naturally — but i’m not talking about those here. i’m talking about the ones that made us feel whole in ways we didn’t even understand, the ones that made us laugh from our deepest bellies, the ones where we found ourselves revealing parts of us we thought were unlovable. i’m talking about the friendships we know still have so much more room for love, so much room for more love, so much lovely room for laughter and sex stories and wine and pure joy. where there are so many stories we have left untold, so many threads to tie, so much patience to fill the gaps because we know it will be so worth it.
sunshines, all of our time on earth is limited. life is this precious breathing thing. we can sit in our rooms and long for someone, and miss them, and cry, like i am doing now. or we can be brave and we can show our hearts and know that we left this earth spreading as much love as we had to give, even when it was left unreciprocated. we can let our loved ones leave this earth knowing that we went out of our way to remind them how much we cared when it mattered most. i hope you will be brave and tell that person that you love them, and say everything you need to say. if you’re the one who needs to hear it, i have once written a love letter of words i wish someone had said to me, and it is very heartwarming to read the letter back to myself. to remind myself i am precious and doing my best. why don’t you take a second to send love to yourself or your longlost friend or cousin or mentor? be brave! i love you!!!!!!! my tear stains have dried. <3
Wow - this is so helpful. I love your perspective because it shakes me out of my own head. Thank you. Love back