community: a word we hear often. a feeling we long for.
I am curious to learn more about the stories we carry among us in relation to community. stories of isolation and loneliness, and also stories of togetherness and belonging.
I want to create a space for those stories.
Do you have community? (this includes family, culture, religion!) if you do, what does it look like? What brings and keeps you together? Do you ever have to sacrifice part of your identity or values to stay part of this community?
if you don’t, what kind(s) of community do you crave? who would be part of it? what would time together look like? what effect do you think this would have on your life? is there a community you used to have that you are nostalgic for? why?
if you’ve found or built community in recent years, how did this happen? any advice?
what are you seeking more of from this community?
meet you in the comments! Sending love. ❤️💖
P.S., the Cosmic Anarchy Substack is a go-to for how capitalism and supremacy culture creates loneliness and isolation in the west, and what we can do to try and resist. try this essay: Capitalism overwhelms our senses while also insulating us from the connection we need.
I love this topic because it made me realize that being part of a community is something I craved a lot during the past years, but barely took the time to sit down and reflect about what I wanted as clearly as that, even if I found some answers already.
I’m the eldest daughter of an immigrant family, first gen, who grew up thinking she had the responsability to get her whole family of 8 out of poverty. Although they were my main community (we were brought together by constant money struggles and trauma lol), I realized this year how much I was sacrificing my life and just myself, to always satisfy their needs and support their lifestyle that, at the end of the day, does not fit with who I want to be in my life. It consumed so much of my life that as soon as I started working at 18, I stopped making friends because I was putting so much pressure on myself to earn money and give it to my family and be there for them when they needed me.
I went no contact with them about 6 months ago to heal and focus on myself - hardest and best decision of my life at the same time. Thanks to this decision, at 26, I built my own community for the first time in years. I feel like tearing up saying that (!) because I’ve never felt lonelier than during those years where I was watching all of those girls in their 20s with friends and inner circles and thought: what’s wrong with me? This will never happen to me, I’m stuck in this struggling life forever etc.
I hope my words resonate as a message of hope for anyone who feels as lonely today. You know how we say « if you want someone to love you, you have to love yourself first », well I swear, as annoying as it is, it is true. Cutting off my family and having no one to call or text anymore, no one to visit, no one to go out and about with; and yet not viewing this as a way to be sorry for myself like I did during all those years, but as a way to love myself even more, helped me understand what I was looking for in a community. The opposite of how my family used to make me feel: only spending time with me when they needed me, not even thinking that I may need emotional support sometimes too, thinking that I should be available 24/7 for them etc. I found people who value my time and respect it, just as much as I do for them.
I’m so grateful that I have people in my life today (friends I made, my boyfriend’s family and friends, people I met online through work etc) - with whom I truly spend quality time with, just for the sake of it. Doing walks in nature, talking about our favorite hobbies, setting calls in our calendars just to give each other motivation speeches because we’re entrepreneurs who support each other etc. Just mutual interest and respect. Each time I have the chance to spend any of those moments, really each single time, I am immensely grateful because being part of a healthy community who uplifts you truly is the best feeling in the world, I always feel so energized and loved after. Everyone should receive this type of love!
I have a community, in the sense of loved ones and friends, cultural communities, yoga community, activism/mutual aid community, and neurodivergent community in my town. I found most of my communities and close connections through politics/activism/direct action/mutual aid in the past 4-5 years. I do wish I could have closer ties within them; sometimes the collective swallows up those one to one connections.
I definitely sacrifice a life of ease with my communities. I grew up around really different (white and 'normies' for lack of better word) and sometimes I just go through their facebooks and wonder what it would be like to just have the exact same friends from school, to be 'apolitical' and just do home renovations on the weekend (or whatever they do idk). I know it wouldn't serve me but I do mourn the lack of ease in my life. I'm also trying to move away from constant destroy/fight mindsets to create and rebuild mindsets. I'm trying to soften.
I crave closeness and I crave more autistic friends. I crave friends who share my special interest. I listen to hours of podcasts a day, and I really wish I could engage in discussion about these. I wish I could commit more to spaces online like these, but I get overwhelmed and it takes me a while to formulate my thoughts in writing (this is taking a while).
I'd love more prompts like this to engage in discussion n dialogue. I definitely would not have commented otherwise lol. I'd love to be more active here.
I do have a community, the part of sacrifice is a minor thing.My community is my family and friends and they feed me.I would like to grow the community but being an employed person and trying to find balance with work,having a life and being present with all the things I think I have to do
I live with my mom and baby sister so I would say that’s some sort of community. But I haven’t came out as queer yet so I often feel lonely especially on birthdays. I feel like I have to be a shell of myself. I often don’t share or have to conceal my true opinions on things to avoid feeling left out. Additionally, I don’t really have any friends besides my partner because I don’t really have any opportunities to really get out and i’ve always had issues with finding people I can relate to. But being with my partner really has kept me afloat because before I felt very isolated, even though we are long distance it just helps to know there is one person other than myself who knows the real me.
I think I do have community. Currently it consists of family and friends. Honestly, my community doesn't look the way I want it to, it doesn't operate the way I would prefer it. (Sometimes I wonder if I think that because I want to be in control of every part of my life or not). With my family, I don't have to sacrifice any part of myself but with some of my friends, I find myself editing, or holding back certain parts of myself.
I'm okay with my community right now. I am grateful for them, however, I'm in a phase where I am going through a LOT of internal changes. My values are shifting and my identity is evolving in huge ways at the moment. The community I crave is more in alignment with the me I'm becoming. I would love to have a community that enjoys the same core hobbies as me, that reads the same books and listens to podcasts. I crave the kind of community that is all in, walls down, hearts out. But, I haven't quite found that yet (this might be due to the fact that the me I'm shedding had very high walls).
I find myself craving my community from high school. Things were so much easier back then. We were all more open, more supportive, and we operated from a place of ease and joy. Responsibilites, jobs, uni, and adulting also changed the way community looks for me.
I am really looking to build community that is. more in alignment with who I'm growing into. My therapist suggested that I go on Meetup or Fever and see if I can start meeting people with similar interests. I went to one book club meeting... it sucked. Maybe one of these days I'll try something else.
i grew up in a religious missionary community. I enjoyed it because I was always meeting and getting to know people from different parts of the world. As I got older and really stepped away from that world, I noticed my community shrank and really shifted, and became very inconsistent. Oddly enough folks in the religious world don't seem to like people ("theirs" or otherwise) questioning their beliefs.
My community is very inconsistent these days, and as a ordained minister who works in creative/spiritual and social justice spaces, my idea of community is just as multifaceted. I have a couple people but the people I am in constant flow with is certainly a far cry from, what I really want.
These are such good questions! I fashion myself as a community organizer as I have built an online community space focused on holistic wellness for moms, yet my community is not what I had hoped it would be. I have been working to build it for several years. It feels like people are just not interested in belonging to the space I’ve created. I’m not sure if that’s true so, I think exploring the answers to these questions will be helpful for me. I need some time to ponder...
I have community but it is small, plus we are always working (we're all 25 this year) and in the thick of "who the fuck am I?" or "what career is the 'right' one for me". When I am together with the girls, I feel like my authentic self, unlike at work, where I put on a mask and just try my hardest to push through til Friday. While it it's tough not spending a lot of time together, the time we spend together is a gift. It reminds me of sleepovers I'd have with a specific friend as a child. We would sit up all night (maybe we were 7-10 years old during this time), talking about everything, our worries, our crushes, our families, and fears, until we'd eventually fall asleep. Then we'd do it all over the following weekend. I get the same feeling with these people. It's never enough time and I always wish we could do it all again the following week but it's hard as adults.
Since I am recently sober (a little over a year) I am noticing that as I begin to get back out into the club and partying scene I'm feeling more anxiety and pressure than during my first blissful months of sobriety. I feel most connected to my previously mentioned friend group but also want to be friends with other people, who have similar interests. However, it's a different scene, it's a druggy scene. It's not really for me anymore. There's nostalgia for me around this sort of group of people but lord I don't want to relapse.
I found my closest group of friends by asking and manifesting HARD. In 2022 for new years I asked for goodfriends, that was all. Then I started seeing who was in my area, who I'd previously known, who I wanted to reconnect with. I was able to spend time with one person, and then they'd invite me to gatherings they were having with other people who I'd previously known. It felt like I'd been accepted into a group of people who I really respected and could speak/listen to free of judgement. It was quite beautiful how it all unraveled but it was difficult before it was this beautiful collage of friendship webs. I spent a lot of time lonely, making poor decisions, and spending time with people who didn't make me feel alive. My advice is to ask for it and be intentional about it.
I am so grateful for this question, for everyone who has been brave enough to share parts of their lives and souls in this comment section. I pray (to Rupaul) that we can all find community which propels us into the best versions of ourselves.
My sense of community has shifted dramatically following a devastating bereavement I experienced 18 months ago. During the mourning period, I was surrounded by people who were supportive, grieving alongside me and walking with me. I was safely held, cared for and looked after through some of the most challenging months of my life. Somewhere along the road, I've started to feel very alienated in that community. Mourning can be such a public and community thing but the grief journey is such an individual thing. Grieving has made me feel alienated from the different communities which I for a period of time felt I couldn't 'service'. Turns out your social circle shrinks a lot when you don't have the energy to be social. Now that I'm in a different place, I have energy, a bit more mental clarity and a sense of groundedness that loss had taken from me I don't know where to ground myself, where to put my flag and say 'this is my community'.
I'm nostalgic for a community of care that is nearby.
I am most nostalgic for a face to face community, one that I can press my cheek to. I am nostalgic for my very best friends both living within 20 minute hop and a skip away. I am nostalgic for the sense of community I felt when I lived with friends at university and the enlivening conversations we would have and the silly conversations we would have and the meals we would share. I am nostalgic for peeling beans from my best friends mum's garden, with my mum, brother and my auntie in the kitchen whilst we chat about everything and nothing. I am nostalgic for spontaneity, making plans with friends, checking diaries and realising it'll be another 6 weeks until you see your faves is really crazy! Adult life.
I am grateful for communities that exist that I get to participate in, yoga, volunteering community, professional community, my writing community. I am grateful for the love I know, have known and will know. I consider myself very privileged in love. I've met so many great people in different stages and geographies who I hold close to my hear. I don't feel there's a golden thread that binds them in a community, i'm also mindful not to smoosh people together who haven't volunteered to be smooshed together for my own interests/ motivations.
Community is complicated! These are great questions. For me, community is hard to come by lately, but I can recall having some sense of community at places I’ve worked in the past. It doesn’t look like friendship usually. One time I worked at the county fair for a month and saw the community among the vendors and employees who would see each other year after year, city after city. Even when “in competition” they had each other’s backs and shared what they had, always stopping for friendly conversation. The immediate acceptance and offerings of gifts and free food from not only my coworkers/boss but everyone there was really surprising and comforting! I felt safe to offer the same to others who worked with me or for other vendors, so it was like a big mutual support thing. Really rewarding experience.
Good question. I'll start here then flesh out my answer later, privately. Currently, my community is... mixed and confusing. I still live with my parents so I'm not openly queer and I have to attend church even though it doesn't align with me spiritually. However, this year I have been blessed and appreciate the gift of friends. They have been really instrumental in my growth and realization of love as an action. Most are long distance but they are MY community. In future, I hope to find ways to be in community with other people who are queer and can exist openly with one another. I understand that it will mean I will need to step out of the comfort of solitude and isolation and into being comfortable with community and I'm curious to see how it'll manifest in my life. I also hope I will be receptive when I find myself in spaces where I can just be.
I love this topic because it made me realize that being part of a community is something I craved a lot during the past years, but barely took the time to sit down and reflect about what I wanted as clearly as that, even if I found some answers already.
I’m the eldest daughter of an immigrant family, first gen, who grew up thinking she had the responsability to get her whole family of 8 out of poverty. Although they were my main community (we were brought together by constant money struggles and trauma lol), I realized this year how much I was sacrificing my life and just myself, to always satisfy their needs and support their lifestyle that, at the end of the day, does not fit with who I want to be in my life. It consumed so much of my life that as soon as I started working at 18, I stopped making friends because I was putting so much pressure on myself to earn money and give it to my family and be there for them when they needed me.
I went no contact with them about 6 months ago to heal and focus on myself - hardest and best decision of my life at the same time. Thanks to this decision, at 26, I built my own community for the first time in years. I feel like tearing up saying that (!) because I’ve never felt lonelier than during those years where I was watching all of those girls in their 20s with friends and inner circles and thought: what’s wrong with me? This will never happen to me, I’m stuck in this struggling life forever etc.
I hope my words resonate as a message of hope for anyone who feels as lonely today. You know how we say « if you want someone to love you, you have to love yourself first », well I swear, as annoying as it is, it is true. Cutting off my family and having no one to call or text anymore, no one to visit, no one to go out and about with; and yet not viewing this as a way to be sorry for myself like I did during all those years, but as a way to love myself even more, helped me understand what I was looking for in a community. The opposite of how my family used to make me feel: only spending time with me when they needed me, not even thinking that I may need emotional support sometimes too, thinking that I should be available 24/7 for them etc. I found people who value my time and respect it, just as much as I do for them.
I’m so grateful that I have people in my life today (friends I made, my boyfriend’s family and friends, people I met online through work etc) - with whom I truly spend quality time with, just for the sake of it. Doing walks in nature, talking about our favorite hobbies, setting calls in our calendars just to give each other motivation speeches because we’re entrepreneurs who support each other etc. Just mutual interest and respect. Each time I have the chance to spend any of those moments, really each single time, I am immensely grateful because being part of a healthy community who uplifts you truly is the best feeling in the world, I always feel so energized and loved after. Everyone should receive this type of love!
I have a community, in the sense of loved ones and friends, cultural communities, yoga community, activism/mutual aid community, and neurodivergent community in my town. I found most of my communities and close connections through politics/activism/direct action/mutual aid in the past 4-5 years. I do wish I could have closer ties within them; sometimes the collective swallows up those one to one connections.
I definitely sacrifice a life of ease with my communities. I grew up around really different (white and 'normies' for lack of better word) and sometimes I just go through their facebooks and wonder what it would be like to just have the exact same friends from school, to be 'apolitical' and just do home renovations on the weekend (or whatever they do idk). I know it wouldn't serve me but I do mourn the lack of ease in my life. I'm also trying to move away from constant destroy/fight mindsets to create and rebuild mindsets. I'm trying to soften.
I crave closeness and I crave more autistic friends. I crave friends who share my special interest. I listen to hours of podcasts a day, and I really wish I could engage in discussion about these. I wish I could commit more to spaces online like these, but I get overwhelmed and it takes me a while to formulate my thoughts in writing (this is taking a while).
I'd love more prompts like this to engage in discussion n dialogue. I definitely would not have commented otherwise lol. I'd love to be more active here.
I do have a community, the part of sacrifice is a minor thing.My community is my family and friends and they feed me.I would like to grow the community but being an employed person and trying to find balance with work,having a life and being present with all the things I think I have to do
I live with my mom and baby sister so I would say that’s some sort of community. But I haven’t came out as queer yet so I often feel lonely especially on birthdays. I feel like I have to be a shell of myself. I often don’t share or have to conceal my true opinions on things to avoid feeling left out. Additionally, I don’t really have any friends besides my partner because I don’t really have any opportunities to really get out and i’ve always had issues with finding people I can relate to. But being with my partner really has kept me afloat because before I felt very isolated, even though we are long distance it just helps to know there is one person other than myself who knows the real me.
I think I do have community. Currently it consists of family and friends. Honestly, my community doesn't look the way I want it to, it doesn't operate the way I would prefer it. (Sometimes I wonder if I think that because I want to be in control of every part of my life or not). With my family, I don't have to sacrifice any part of myself but with some of my friends, I find myself editing, or holding back certain parts of myself.
I'm okay with my community right now. I am grateful for them, however, I'm in a phase where I am going through a LOT of internal changes. My values are shifting and my identity is evolving in huge ways at the moment. The community I crave is more in alignment with the me I'm becoming. I would love to have a community that enjoys the same core hobbies as me, that reads the same books and listens to podcasts. I crave the kind of community that is all in, walls down, hearts out. But, I haven't quite found that yet (this might be due to the fact that the me I'm shedding had very high walls).
I find myself craving my community from high school. Things were so much easier back then. We were all more open, more supportive, and we operated from a place of ease and joy. Responsibilites, jobs, uni, and adulting also changed the way community looks for me.
I am really looking to build community that is. more in alignment with who I'm growing into. My therapist suggested that I go on Meetup or Fever and see if I can start meeting people with similar interests. I went to one book club meeting... it sucked. Maybe one of these days I'll try something else.
i grew up in a religious missionary community. I enjoyed it because I was always meeting and getting to know people from different parts of the world. As I got older and really stepped away from that world, I noticed my community shrank and really shifted, and became very inconsistent. Oddly enough folks in the religious world don't seem to like people ("theirs" or otherwise) questioning their beliefs.
My community is very inconsistent these days, and as a ordained minister who works in creative/spiritual and social justice spaces, my idea of community is just as multifaceted. I have a couple people but the people I am in constant flow with is certainly a far cry from, what I really want.
These are such good questions! I fashion myself as a community organizer as I have built an online community space focused on holistic wellness for moms, yet my community is not what I had hoped it would be. I have been working to build it for several years. It feels like people are just not interested in belonging to the space I’ve created. I’m not sure if that’s true so, I think exploring the answers to these questions will be helpful for me. I need some time to ponder...
I have community but it is small, plus we are always working (we're all 25 this year) and in the thick of "who the fuck am I?" or "what career is the 'right' one for me". When I am together with the girls, I feel like my authentic self, unlike at work, where I put on a mask and just try my hardest to push through til Friday. While it it's tough not spending a lot of time together, the time we spend together is a gift. It reminds me of sleepovers I'd have with a specific friend as a child. We would sit up all night (maybe we were 7-10 years old during this time), talking about everything, our worries, our crushes, our families, and fears, until we'd eventually fall asleep. Then we'd do it all over the following weekend. I get the same feeling with these people. It's never enough time and I always wish we could do it all again the following week but it's hard as adults.
Since I am recently sober (a little over a year) I am noticing that as I begin to get back out into the club and partying scene I'm feeling more anxiety and pressure than during my first blissful months of sobriety. I feel most connected to my previously mentioned friend group but also want to be friends with other people, who have similar interests. However, it's a different scene, it's a druggy scene. It's not really for me anymore. There's nostalgia for me around this sort of group of people but lord I don't want to relapse.
I found my closest group of friends by asking and manifesting HARD. In 2022 for new years I asked for goodfriends, that was all. Then I started seeing who was in my area, who I'd previously known, who I wanted to reconnect with. I was able to spend time with one person, and then they'd invite me to gatherings they were having with other people who I'd previously known. It felt like I'd been accepted into a group of people who I really respected and could speak/listen to free of judgement. It was quite beautiful how it all unraveled but it was difficult before it was this beautiful collage of friendship webs. I spent a lot of time lonely, making poor decisions, and spending time with people who didn't make me feel alive. My advice is to ask for it and be intentional about it.
I am so grateful for this question, for everyone who has been brave enough to share parts of their lives and souls in this comment section. I pray (to Rupaul) that we can all find community which propels us into the best versions of ourselves.
My sense of community has shifted dramatically following a devastating bereavement I experienced 18 months ago. During the mourning period, I was surrounded by people who were supportive, grieving alongside me and walking with me. I was safely held, cared for and looked after through some of the most challenging months of my life. Somewhere along the road, I've started to feel very alienated in that community. Mourning can be such a public and community thing but the grief journey is such an individual thing. Grieving has made me feel alienated from the different communities which I for a period of time felt I couldn't 'service'. Turns out your social circle shrinks a lot when you don't have the energy to be social. Now that I'm in a different place, I have energy, a bit more mental clarity and a sense of groundedness that loss had taken from me I don't know where to ground myself, where to put my flag and say 'this is my community'.
I'm nostalgic for a community of care that is nearby.
I am most nostalgic for a face to face community, one that I can press my cheek to. I am nostalgic for my very best friends both living within 20 minute hop and a skip away. I am nostalgic for the sense of community I felt when I lived with friends at university and the enlivening conversations we would have and the silly conversations we would have and the meals we would share. I am nostalgic for peeling beans from my best friends mum's garden, with my mum, brother and my auntie in the kitchen whilst we chat about everything and nothing. I am nostalgic for spontaneity, making plans with friends, checking diaries and realising it'll be another 6 weeks until you see your faves is really crazy! Adult life.
I am grateful for communities that exist that I get to participate in, yoga, volunteering community, professional community, my writing community. I am grateful for the love I know, have known and will know. I consider myself very privileged in love. I've met so many great people in different stages and geographies who I hold close to my hear. I don't feel there's a golden thread that binds them in a community, i'm also mindful not to smoosh people together who haven't volunteered to be smooshed together for my own interests/ motivations.
Community is complicated! These are great questions. For me, community is hard to come by lately, but I can recall having some sense of community at places I’ve worked in the past. It doesn’t look like friendship usually. One time I worked at the county fair for a month and saw the community among the vendors and employees who would see each other year after year, city after city. Even when “in competition” they had each other’s backs and shared what they had, always stopping for friendly conversation. The immediate acceptance and offerings of gifts and free food from not only my coworkers/boss but everyone there was really surprising and comforting! I felt safe to offer the same to others who worked with me or for other vendors, so it was like a big mutual support thing. Really rewarding experience.
community is oneself in relations to all other entities animals, plants, planetary elements etc
Good question. I'll start here then flesh out my answer later, privately. Currently, my community is... mixed and confusing. I still live with my parents so I'm not openly queer and I have to attend church even though it doesn't align with me spiritually. However, this year I have been blessed and appreciate the gift of friends. They have been really instrumental in my growth and realization of love as an action. Most are long distance but they are MY community. In future, I hope to find ways to be in community with other people who are queer and can exist openly with one another. I understand that it will mean I will need to step out of the comfort of solitude and isolation and into being comfortable with community and I'm curious to see how it'll manifest in my life. I also hope I will be receptive when I find myself in spaces where I can just be.