community: a word we hear often. a feeling we long for.
I am curious to learn more about the stories we carry among us in relation to community. stories of isolation and loneliness, and also stories of togetherness and belonging.
I want to create a space for those stories.
Do you have community? (this includes family, culture, religion!) if you do, what does it look like? What brings and keeps you together? Do you ever have to sacrifice part of your identity or values to stay part of this community?
if you don’t, what kind(s) of community do you crave? who would be part of it? what would time together look like? what effect do you think this would have on your life? is there a community you used to have that you are nostalgic for? why?
if you’ve found or built community in recent years, how did this happen? any advice?
what are you seeking more of from this community?
meet you in the comments! Sending love. ❤️💖
P.S., the Cosmic Anarchy Substack is a go-to for how capitalism and supremacy culture creates loneliness and isolation in the west, and what we can do to try and resist. try this essay: Capitalism overwhelms our senses while also insulating us from the connection we need.
I love this topic because it made me realize that being part of a community is something I craved a lot during the past years, but barely took the time to sit down and reflect about what I wanted as clearly as that, even if I found some answers already.
I’m the eldest daughter of an immigrant family, first gen, who grew up thinking she had the responsability to get her whole family of 8 out of poverty. Although they were my main community (we were brought together by constant money struggles and trauma lol), I realized this year how much I was sacrificing my life and just myself, to always satisfy their needs and support their lifestyle that, at the end of the day, does not fit with who I want to be in my life. It consumed so much of my life that as soon as I started working at 18, I stopped making friends because I was putting so much pressure on myself to earn money and give it to my family and be there for them when they needed me.
I went no contact with them about 6 months ago to heal and focus on myself - hardest and best decision of my life at the same time. Thanks to this decision, at 26, I built my own community for the first time in years. I feel like tearing up saying that (!) because I’ve never felt lonelier than during those years where I was watching all of those girls in their 20s with friends and inner circles and thought: what’s wrong with me? This will never happen to me, I’m stuck in this struggling life forever etc.
I hope my words resonate as a message of hope for anyone who feels as lonely today. You know how we say « if you want someone to love you, you have to love yourself first », well I swear, as annoying as it is, it is true. Cutting off my family and having no one to call or text anymore, no one to visit, no one to go out and about with; and yet not viewing this as a way to be sorry for myself like I did during all those years, but as a way to love myself even more, helped me understand what I was looking for in a community. The opposite of how my family used to make me feel: only spending time with me when they needed me, not even thinking that I may need emotional support sometimes too, thinking that I should be available 24/7 for them etc. I found people who value my time and respect it, just as much as I do for them.
I’m so grateful that I have people in my life today (friends I made, my boyfriend’s family and friends, people I met online through work etc) - with whom I truly spend quality time with, just for the sake of it. Doing walks in nature, talking about our favorite hobbies, setting calls in our calendars just to give each other motivation speeches because we’re entrepreneurs who support each other etc. Just mutual interest and respect. Each time I have the chance to spend any of those moments, really each single time, I am immensely grateful because being part of a healthy community who uplifts you truly is the best feeling in the world, I always feel so energized and loved after. Everyone should receive this type of love!
Déborah, THANK YOU for this. This is soooooo powerful and inspiring and heartbreaking and hopeful. I know this comment will help so many people! I am so proud of you and in awe of you for loving yourself so deeply that you were able to step out of the role imposed on you as the eldest daughter, the pressure and strain of having to take care of all of your family even as you yourself were struggling and needed love and support. It takes so much courage and love to step out of the roles invented for us and the social and familial pressures and expectations placed on us. I can't imagine how painful and isolating it must have been in the beginning, and the fact that you broke contact despite that pain -- I am in awe. The universe, or whatever force you believe in if any, really mirrored that love back to you over time, and I'm so inspired by what YOU have built since then. You really reset the course of your life, and your standards for what love and community should look and feel like. I can tell just from this comment that you have sooo much love and wisdom to give the world, and I hope you keep finding ways to share and channel it if that's what you feel called to do. Thank you for sharing this with us, and thank you for the uplifting and hopeful advice you have offered us. I just know so many people will benefit from reading this. Thank you x100000000!!!! Sending you so much love <3 <3 <3
Ayanda your comment MADE my day 🥹🥹😭😭😭😭❤️❤️❤️ I had to read it multiple times because I couldn’t believe how nice and heartwarming it is 🥹 It’s like you’re giving a huge hug to my inner child, you’re telling her that all of those years of suffering were not taken for granted and I deserve 100% of all of the joy and happiness I’m feeling today. Thank you so much for your words that went straight to my heart. And thank you for creating this platform that gives the opportunity to people like me who felt so lonely during their battles to open up about those topics and find a precious community. You’re the perfect example of why I love the internet and oh my god I don’t know where I’d be if it wasn’t for people like you who create such safe spaces and wholesome content online. Plus, as nothing happens by accident, the timing of your message is also mind blowing. I’ve been reflecting a lot about my calling, my desire to deliver what I was born to deliver on this planet etc. I meditated about this topic just yesterday night and I find it crazy that your message addresses that. Again, thank you! <3
Wow I really respect your choice to focus on yourself - sometimes even our family is a root cause in our unhappiness in life. I left my home three years ago and I’m just now slightly reconnecting with my family again. It was the best decision I’d ever made, even though it felt so shitty!
So glad you’ve rebuilt your community around you, I think stories where people have to completely reset themselves in a way are the most poignant and inspiring for me <3
That experience was so tough and isolating that I’m happy to be reminded that other people successfully went through it as well and things can even get better. Thank you for sharing that I’m really happy for you and glad that you found some inspiration!
Oh dear I love your comment, funny enough I'm also 26 and have had the same struggles as you especially being a first born. Blessing to you and your new community, love all the way from South Africa ✨💕
I have a community, in the sense of loved ones and friends, cultural communities, yoga community, activism/mutual aid community, and neurodivergent community in my town. I found most of my communities and close connections through politics/activism/direct action/mutual aid in the past 4-5 years. I do wish I could have closer ties within them; sometimes the collective swallows up those one to one connections.
I definitely sacrifice a life of ease with my communities. I grew up around really different (white and 'normies' for lack of better word) and sometimes I just go through their facebooks and wonder what it would be like to just have the exact same friends from school, to be 'apolitical' and just do home renovations on the weekend (or whatever they do idk). I know it wouldn't serve me but I do mourn the lack of ease in my life. I'm also trying to move away from constant destroy/fight mindsets to create and rebuild mindsets. I'm trying to soften.
I crave closeness and I crave more autistic friends. I crave friends who share my special interest. I listen to hours of podcasts a day, and I really wish I could engage in discussion about these. I wish I could commit more to spaces online like these, but I get overwhelmed and it takes me a while to formulate my thoughts in writing (this is taking a while).
I'd love more prompts like this to engage in discussion n dialogue. I definitely would not have commented otherwise lol. I'd love to be more active here.
Oooo I have so many. My. big ones at the moment are Australian politics (I live in Aus), silly crime fiction books, yoga philosophy, Bluey, a dog on TikTok called Buttons, archival/documentation of my heritage/ancestry/family/culture, including working on my family tree, and maybe orangutans lol. Ive been watching Orangutan Jungle School, it's so cute. Do you have any?!
archival documentation of your family tree sounds so cool!! what a fantastic rabbit hole. i’m not sure i’m consistently engaged enough with anything right now to call anything a special interest... maybe in a different season of life :’)
Thank you for leaving such a thoughtful comment, Han. This is so moving! I'm so glad you have so many communities across your different interests and activities. And yet I can so imagine feeling swallowed by the collective nature of these groups! Those one-on-one interactions really do allow us to go so much deeper and feel truly seen. I absolutely love what you've shared around trying to soften, find more ease. This is so real -- how can we find ways to relate to each other that are not purely rooted in our shared rage, despair, etc., and also find spaces of pleasure, laughter, play, ease, and softness... at the root of it those things are so important. The book Pleasure Activism by adrienne maree brown really deals with this question -- of how we also need to feel our most alive in order to do the work sustainably (and to find true liberation). Craving a different way of life makes lots of sense, especially if there are visual reminders of it. But I'm proud of you for being committed to world-building, it certainly comes at a sacrifice. I am hoping closeness and more autistic friends are coming your way soonest! It's powerful to just name that. I'm so fascinated by how we can own what we crave and long for, and also learn to move from that space rather than feel ashamed for it. That's so interesting what you said about craving to engage in more discussions on what you are consuming, I really relate to that. Thank you so much for being here, and I hope this space continues to nurture exploration and reflection for you. Sending lots of love your way! <3
Aww thank YOU for leaving such a thoughtful reply to me <3 I read this the other day and shed a few tears. I actually haven't read pleasure activism yet - this must be the sign to. Just listened to her episode on finding our way. I'm about to listen to your episode on romantic longing - it'll be interesting, I'm having a deep longing for community and close friendship, which is new for me, as its usually for romantic/sexual relationships - particularly some sort of person who will come into my life and 'make me whole'. Its nice to name it and say it out loud; I'm aware that I present to others as if my social circles are very full and abundant, and I think its a protective mechanism for me... so trying to practice speaking aloud loneliness and desire for connection. Thanks for this space Ayanda. I'm so glad to be here and to learn from you. Lots of love to you <3
I do have a community, the part of sacrifice is a minor thing.My community is my family and friends and they feed me.I would like to grow the community but being an employed person and trying to find balance with work,having a life and being present with all the things I think I have to do
I'm so glad you have community, and feel fed by it, Phelo! Thank you for sharing this with us, uplifting to hear stories of people who feel supported and held. Truly feel you, there's only so much time to engage amongst all the other things we have going on, so it sounds like you are in an ideal place community wise! Sending love today <3 <3
I live with my mom and baby sister so I would say that’s some sort of community. But I haven’t came out as queer yet so I often feel lonely especially on birthdays. I feel like I have to be a shell of myself. I often don’t share or have to conceal my true opinions on things to avoid feeling left out. Additionally, I don’t really have any friends besides my partner because I don’t really have any opportunities to really get out and i’ve always had issues with finding people I can relate to. But being with my partner really has kept me afloat because before I felt very isolated, even though we are long distance it just helps to know there is one person other than myself who knows the real me.
Wow you are speaking to me. Thank you for sharing yourself with us. I'm so sorry to hear about the loneliness and isolation you are experiencing, even though you have people around you. The loneliness of having to hide your queerness ties so many together, and is painful to feel in these spaces where we are meant to feel fully accepted and safe. It shows how deep and full our needs for community are -- they go so much deeper than the surface! We want to be deeply seen, felt, and accepted for all of us, and in the absence of that, isolation ensues... I am grateful you have your partner, and I am hoping lots of deep love and being your fullest being is coming your way soon. Sending you so much love today darling <3 thank you again for sharing!
I think I do have community. Currently it consists of family and friends. Honestly, my community doesn't look the way I want it to, it doesn't operate the way I would prefer it. (Sometimes I wonder if I think that because I want to be in control of every part of my life or not). With my family, I don't have to sacrifice any part of myself but with some of my friends, I find myself editing, or holding back certain parts of myself.
I'm okay with my community right now. I am grateful for them, however, I'm in a phase where I am going through a LOT of internal changes. My values are shifting and my identity is evolving in huge ways at the moment. The community I crave is more in alignment with the me I'm becoming. I would love to have a community that enjoys the same core hobbies as me, that reads the same books and listens to podcasts. I crave the kind of community that is all in, walls down, hearts out. But, I haven't quite found that yet (this might be due to the fact that the me I'm shedding had very high walls).
I find myself craving my community from high school. Things were so much easier back then. We were all more open, more supportive, and we operated from a place of ease and joy. Responsibilites, jobs, uni, and adulting also changed the way community looks for me.
I am really looking to build community that is. more in alignment with who I'm growing into. My therapist suggested that I go on Meetup or Fever and see if I can start meeting people with similar interests. I went to one book club meeting... it sucked. Maybe one of these days I'll try something else.
i grew up in a religious missionary community. I enjoyed it because I was always meeting and getting to know people from different parts of the world. As I got older and really stepped away from that world, I noticed my community shrank and really shifted, and became very inconsistent. Oddly enough folks in the religious world don't seem to like people ("theirs" or otherwise) questioning their beliefs.
My community is very inconsistent these days, and as a ordained minister who works in creative/spiritual and social justice spaces, my idea of community is just as multifaceted. I have a couple people but the people I am in constant flow with is certainly a far cry from, what I really want.
These are such good questions! I fashion myself as a community organizer as I have built an online community space focused on holistic wellness for moms, yet my community is not what I had hoped it would be. I have been working to build it for several years. It feels like people are just not interested in belonging to the space I’ve created. I’m not sure if that’s true so, I think exploring the answers to these questions will be helpful for me. I need some time to ponder...
Omg, this is so relatable! The same thing has happened to me, and it feels so painful to try and create a space for people that is then not taken up by the people you're trying to create it for... it feels heartbreaking. I know that it's often because of how busy and overwhelmed people are made to be under capitalism, making them less able to engage even at the level that they would want to in these spaces.. and yet even knowing this, it's hard not to take it personally or feel a sense of rejection, especially when people had indicated this was the exact space they were seeking. This is a part of community building that is less spoken about I feel, and I'm so glad that you have shed light on this. I am hoping that things turn around, or that your passion for community building finds a wonderful and reciprocal home soon.
Thank you so much for this feedback. I thought it was just me!! 🥴😂 I’m going to keep going and reframe my expectations. And focus on the fact that I get to do work that I love and I’m passionate about and let that be enough for now.
My sense of community has shifted dramatically following a devastating bereavement I experienced 18 months ago. During the mourning period, I was surrounded by people who were supportive, grieving alongside me and walking with me. I was safely held, cared for and looked after through some of the most challenging months of my life. Somewhere along the road, I've started to feel very alienated in that community. Mourning can be such a public and community thing but the grief journey is such an individual thing. Grieving has made me feel alienated from the different communities which I for a period of time felt I couldn't 'service'. Turns out your social circle shrinks a lot when you don't have the energy to be social. Now that I'm in a different place, I have energy, a bit more mental clarity and a sense of groundedness that loss had taken from me I don't know where to ground myself, where to put my flag and say 'this is my community'.
I'm nostalgic for a community of care that is nearby.
I am most nostalgic for a face to face community, one that I can press my cheek to. I am nostalgic for my very best friends both living within 20 minute hop and a skip away. I am nostalgic for the sense of community I felt when I lived with friends at university and the enlivening conversations we would have and the silly conversations we would have and the meals we would share. I am nostalgic for peeling beans from my best friends mum's garden, with my mum, brother and my auntie in the kitchen whilst we chat about everything and nothing. I am nostalgic for spontaneity, making plans with friends, checking diaries and realising it'll be another 6 weeks until you see your faves is really crazy! Adult life.
I am grateful for communities that exist that I get to participate in, yoga, volunteering community, professional community, my writing community. I am grateful for the love I know, have known and will know. I consider myself very privileged in love. I've met so many great people in different stages and geographies who I hold close to my hear. I don't feel there's a golden thread that binds them in a community, i'm also mindful not to smoosh people together who haven't volunteered to be smooshed together for my own interests/ motivations.
"i am nostalgic for a face to face community, one that I can press my cheek to" - this is a lovely bit of poetry and gave words to a feeling i've been having lately :), thank you
I have community but it is small, plus we are always working (we're all 25 this year) and in the thick of "who the fuck am I?" or "what career is the 'right' one for me". When I am together with the girls, I feel like my authentic self, unlike at work, where I put on a mask and just try my hardest to push through til Friday. While it it's tough not spending a lot of time together, the time we spend together is a gift. It reminds me of sleepovers I'd have with a specific friend as a child. We would sit up all night (maybe we were 7-10 years old during this time), talking about everything, our worries, our crushes, our families, and fears, until we'd eventually fall asleep. Then we'd do it all over the following weekend. I get the same feeling with these people. It's never enough time and I always wish we could do it all again the following week but it's hard as adults.
Since I am recently sober (a little over a year) I am noticing that as I begin to get back out into the club and partying scene I'm feeling more anxiety and pressure than during my first blissful months of sobriety. I feel most connected to my previously mentioned friend group but also want to be friends with other people, who have similar interests. However, it's a different scene, it's a druggy scene. It's not really for me anymore. There's nostalgia for me around this sort of group of people but lord I don't want to relapse.
I found my closest group of friends by asking and manifesting HARD. In 2022 for new years I asked for goodfriends, that was all. Then I started seeing who was in my area, who I'd previously known, who I wanted to reconnect with. I was able to spend time with one person, and then they'd invite me to gatherings they were having with other people who I'd previously known. It felt like I'd been accepted into a group of people who I really respected and could speak/listen to free of judgement. It was quite beautiful how it all unraveled but it was difficult before it was this beautiful collage of friendship webs. I spent a lot of time lonely, making poor decisions, and spending time with people who didn't make me feel alive. My advice is to ask for it and be intentional about it.
I am so grateful for this question, for everyone who has been brave enough to share parts of their lives and souls in this comment section. I pray (to Rupaul) that we can all find community which propels us into the best versions of ourselves.
Community is complicated! These are great questions. For me, community is hard to come by lately, but I can recall having some sense of community at places I’ve worked in the past. It doesn’t look like friendship usually. One time I worked at the county fair for a month and saw the community among the vendors and employees who would see each other year after year, city after city. Even when “in competition” they had each other’s backs and shared what they had, always stopping for friendly conversation. The immediate acceptance and offerings of gifts and free food from not only my coworkers/boss but everyone there was really surprising and comforting! I felt safe to offer the same to others who worked with me or for other vendors, so it was like a big mutual support thing. Really rewarding experience.
Good question. I'll start here then flesh out my answer later, privately. Currently, my community is... mixed and confusing. I still live with my parents so I'm not openly queer and I have to attend church even though it doesn't align with me spiritually. However, this year I have been blessed and appreciate the gift of friends. They have been really instrumental in my growth and realization of love as an action. Most are long distance but they are MY community. In future, I hope to find ways to be in community with other people who are queer and can exist openly with one another. I understand that it will mean I will need to step out of the comfort of solitude and isolation and into being comfortable with community and I'm curious to see how it'll manifest in my life. I also hope I will be receptive when I find myself in spaces where I can just be.
I love this topic because it made me realize that being part of a community is something I craved a lot during the past years, but barely took the time to sit down and reflect about what I wanted as clearly as that, even if I found some answers already.
I’m the eldest daughter of an immigrant family, first gen, who grew up thinking she had the responsability to get her whole family of 8 out of poverty. Although they were my main community (we were brought together by constant money struggles and trauma lol), I realized this year how much I was sacrificing my life and just myself, to always satisfy their needs and support their lifestyle that, at the end of the day, does not fit with who I want to be in my life. It consumed so much of my life that as soon as I started working at 18, I stopped making friends because I was putting so much pressure on myself to earn money and give it to my family and be there for them when they needed me.
I went no contact with them about 6 months ago to heal and focus on myself - hardest and best decision of my life at the same time. Thanks to this decision, at 26, I built my own community for the first time in years. I feel like tearing up saying that (!) because I’ve never felt lonelier than during those years where I was watching all of those girls in their 20s with friends and inner circles and thought: what’s wrong with me? This will never happen to me, I’m stuck in this struggling life forever etc.
I hope my words resonate as a message of hope for anyone who feels as lonely today. You know how we say « if you want someone to love you, you have to love yourself first », well I swear, as annoying as it is, it is true. Cutting off my family and having no one to call or text anymore, no one to visit, no one to go out and about with; and yet not viewing this as a way to be sorry for myself like I did during all those years, but as a way to love myself even more, helped me understand what I was looking for in a community. The opposite of how my family used to make me feel: only spending time with me when they needed me, not even thinking that I may need emotional support sometimes too, thinking that I should be available 24/7 for them etc. I found people who value my time and respect it, just as much as I do for them.
I’m so grateful that I have people in my life today (friends I made, my boyfriend’s family and friends, people I met online through work etc) - with whom I truly spend quality time with, just for the sake of it. Doing walks in nature, talking about our favorite hobbies, setting calls in our calendars just to give each other motivation speeches because we’re entrepreneurs who support each other etc. Just mutual interest and respect. Each time I have the chance to spend any of those moments, really each single time, I am immensely grateful because being part of a healthy community who uplifts you truly is the best feeling in the world, I always feel so energized and loved after. Everyone should receive this type of love!
Déborah, THANK YOU for this. This is soooooo powerful and inspiring and heartbreaking and hopeful. I know this comment will help so many people! I am so proud of you and in awe of you for loving yourself so deeply that you were able to step out of the role imposed on you as the eldest daughter, the pressure and strain of having to take care of all of your family even as you yourself were struggling and needed love and support. It takes so much courage and love to step out of the roles invented for us and the social and familial pressures and expectations placed on us. I can't imagine how painful and isolating it must have been in the beginning, and the fact that you broke contact despite that pain -- I am in awe. The universe, or whatever force you believe in if any, really mirrored that love back to you over time, and I'm so inspired by what YOU have built since then. You really reset the course of your life, and your standards for what love and community should look and feel like. I can tell just from this comment that you have sooo much love and wisdom to give the world, and I hope you keep finding ways to share and channel it if that's what you feel called to do. Thank you for sharing this with us, and thank you for the uplifting and hopeful advice you have offered us. I just know so many people will benefit from reading this. Thank you x100000000!!!! Sending you so much love <3 <3 <3
Ayanda your comment MADE my day 🥹🥹😭😭😭😭❤️❤️❤️ I had to read it multiple times because I couldn’t believe how nice and heartwarming it is 🥹 It’s like you’re giving a huge hug to my inner child, you’re telling her that all of those years of suffering were not taken for granted and I deserve 100% of all of the joy and happiness I’m feeling today. Thank you so much for your words that went straight to my heart. And thank you for creating this platform that gives the opportunity to people like me who felt so lonely during their battles to open up about those topics and find a precious community. You’re the perfect example of why I love the internet and oh my god I don’t know where I’d be if it wasn’t for people like you who create such safe spaces and wholesome content online. Plus, as nothing happens by accident, the timing of your message is also mind blowing. I’ve been reflecting a lot about my calling, my desire to deliver what I was born to deliver on this planet etc. I meditated about this topic just yesterday night and I find it crazy that your message addresses that. Again, thank you! <3
Wow I really respect your choice to focus on yourself - sometimes even our family is a root cause in our unhappiness in life. I left my home three years ago and I’m just now slightly reconnecting with my family again. It was the best decision I’d ever made, even though it felt so shitty!
So glad you’ve rebuilt your community around you, I think stories where people have to completely reset themselves in a way are the most poignant and inspiring for me <3
That experience was so tough and isolating that I’m happy to be reminded that other people successfully went through it as well and things can even get better. Thank you for sharing that I’m really happy for you and glad that you found some inspiration!
ik! It’s surprising how many people I meet/see comments with a different story but can relate to this experience ! best wishes ♥️🦋
Oh dear I love your comment, funny enough I'm also 26 and have had the same struggles as you especially being a first born. Blessing to you and your new community, love all the way from South Africa ✨💕
I have a community, in the sense of loved ones and friends, cultural communities, yoga community, activism/mutual aid community, and neurodivergent community in my town. I found most of my communities and close connections through politics/activism/direct action/mutual aid in the past 4-5 years. I do wish I could have closer ties within them; sometimes the collective swallows up those one to one connections.
I definitely sacrifice a life of ease with my communities. I grew up around really different (white and 'normies' for lack of better word) and sometimes I just go through their facebooks and wonder what it would be like to just have the exact same friends from school, to be 'apolitical' and just do home renovations on the weekend (or whatever they do idk). I know it wouldn't serve me but I do mourn the lack of ease in my life. I'm also trying to move away from constant destroy/fight mindsets to create and rebuild mindsets. I'm trying to soften.
I crave closeness and I crave more autistic friends. I crave friends who share my special interest. I listen to hours of podcasts a day, and I really wish I could engage in discussion about these. I wish I could commit more to spaces online like these, but I get overwhelmed and it takes me a while to formulate my thoughts in writing (this is taking a while).
I'd love more prompts like this to engage in discussion n dialogue. I definitely would not have commented otherwise lol. I'd love to be more active here.
what are your special interests?
Oooo I have so many. My. big ones at the moment are Australian politics (I live in Aus), silly crime fiction books, yoga philosophy, Bluey, a dog on TikTok called Buttons, archival/documentation of my heritage/ancestry/family/culture, including working on my family tree, and maybe orangutans lol. Ive been watching Orangutan Jungle School, it's so cute. Do you have any?!
archival documentation of your family tree sounds so cool!! what a fantastic rabbit hole. i’m not sure i’m consistently engaged enough with anything right now to call anything a special interest... maybe in a different season of life :’)
special interests **
Thank you for leaving such a thoughtful comment, Han. This is so moving! I'm so glad you have so many communities across your different interests and activities. And yet I can so imagine feeling swallowed by the collective nature of these groups! Those one-on-one interactions really do allow us to go so much deeper and feel truly seen. I absolutely love what you've shared around trying to soften, find more ease. This is so real -- how can we find ways to relate to each other that are not purely rooted in our shared rage, despair, etc., and also find spaces of pleasure, laughter, play, ease, and softness... at the root of it those things are so important. The book Pleasure Activism by adrienne maree brown really deals with this question -- of how we also need to feel our most alive in order to do the work sustainably (and to find true liberation). Craving a different way of life makes lots of sense, especially if there are visual reminders of it. But I'm proud of you for being committed to world-building, it certainly comes at a sacrifice. I am hoping closeness and more autistic friends are coming your way soonest! It's powerful to just name that. I'm so fascinated by how we can own what we crave and long for, and also learn to move from that space rather than feel ashamed for it. That's so interesting what you said about craving to engage in more discussions on what you are consuming, I really relate to that. Thank you so much for being here, and I hope this space continues to nurture exploration and reflection for you. Sending lots of love your way! <3
Aww thank YOU for leaving such a thoughtful reply to me <3 I read this the other day and shed a few tears. I actually haven't read pleasure activism yet - this must be the sign to. Just listened to her episode on finding our way. I'm about to listen to your episode on romantic longing - it'll be interesting, I'm having a deep longing for community and close friendship, which is new for me, as its usually for romantic/sexual relationships - particularly some sort of person who will come into my life and 'make me whole'. Its nice to name it and say it out loud; I'm aware that I present to others as if my social circles are very full and abundant, and I think its a protective mechanism for me... so trying to practice speaking aloud loneliness and desire for connection. Thanks for this space Ayanda. I'm so glad to be here and to learn from you. Lots of love to you <3
I do have a community, the part of sacrifice is a minor thing.My community is my family and friends and they feed me.I would like to grow the community but being an employed person and trying to find balance with work,having a life and being present with all the things I think I have to do
I'm so glad you have community, and feel fed by it, Phelo! Thank you for sharing this with us, uplifting to hear stories of people who feel supported and held. Truly feel you, there's only so much time to engage amongst all the other things we have going on, so it sounds like you are in an ideal place community wise! Sending love today <3 <3
I live with my mom and baby sister so I would say that’s some sort of community. But I haven’t came out as queer yet so I often feel lonely especially on birthdays. I feel like I have to be a shell of myself. I often don’t share or have to conceal my true opinions on things to avoid feeling left out. Additionally, I don’t really have any friends besides my partner because I don’t really have any opportunities to really get out and i’ve always had issues with finding people I can relate to. But being with my partner really has kept me afloat because before I felt very isolated, even though we are long distance it just helps to know there is one person other than myself who knows the real me.
Wow you are speaking to me. Thank you for sharing yourself with us. I'm so sorry to hear about the loneliness and isolation you are experiencing, even though you have people around you. The loneliness of having to hide your queerness ties so many together, and is painful to feel in these spaces where we are meant to feel fully accepted and safe. It shows how deep and full our needs for community are -- they go so much deeper than the surface! We want to be deeply seen, felt, and accepted for all of us, and in the absence of that, isolation ensues... I am grateful you have your partner, and I am hoping lots of deep love and being your fullest being is coming your way soon. Sending you so much love today darling <3 thank you again for sharing!
Thank You Ayanda as well for this space and your kind words ❤️
I think I do have community. Currently it consists of family and friends. Honestly, my community doesn't look the way I want it to, it doesn't operate the way I would prefer it. (Sometimes I wonder if I think that because I want to be in control of every part of my life or not). With my family, I don't have to sacrifice any part of myself but with some of my friends, I find myself editing, or holding back certain parts of myself.
I'm okay with my community right now. I am grateful for them, however, I'm in a phase where I am going through a LOT of internal changes. My values are shifting and my identity is evolving in huge ways at the moment. The community I crave is more in alignment with the me I'm becoming. I would love to have a community that enjoys the same core hobbies as me, that reads the same books and listens to podcasts. I crave the kind of community that is all in, walls down, hearts out. But, I haven't quite found that yet (this might be due to the fact that the me I'm shedding had very high walls).
I find myself craving my community from high school. Things were so much easier back then. We were all more open, more supportive, and we operated from a place of ease and joy. Responsibilites, jobs, uni, and adulting also changed the way community looks for me.
I am really looking to build community that is. more in alignment with who I'm growing into. My therapist suggested that I go on Meetup or Fever and see if I can start meeting people with similar interests. I went to one book club meeting... it sucked. Maybe one of these days I'll try something else.
i grew up in a religious missionary community. I enjoyed it because I was always meeting and getting to know people from different parts of the world. As I got older and really stepped away from that world, I noticed my community shrank and really shifted, and became very inconsistent. Oddly enough folks in the religious world don't seem to like people ("theirs" or otherwise) questioning their beliefs.
My community is very inconsistent these days, and as a ordained minister who works in creative/spiritual and social justice spaces, my idea of community is just as multifaceted. I have a couple people but the people I am in constant flow with is certainly a far cry from, what I really want.
These are such good questions! I fashion myself as a community organizer as I have built an online community space focused on holistic wellness for moms, yet my community is not what I had hoped it would be. I have been working to build it for several years. It feels like people are just not interested in belonging to the space I’ve created. I’m not sure if that’s true so, I think exploring the answers to these questions will be helpful for me. I need some time to ponder...
Omg, this is so relatable! The same thing has happened to me, and it feels so painful to try and create a space for people that is then not taken up by the people you're trying to create it for... it feels heartbreaking. I know that it's often because of how busy and overwhelmed people are made to be under capitalism, making them less able to engage even at the level that they would want to in these spaces.. and yet even knowing this, it's hard not to take it personally or feel a sense of rejection, especially when people had indicated this was the exact space they were seeking. This is a part of community building that is less spoken about I feel, and I'm so glad that you have shed light on this. I am hoping that things turn around, or that your passion for community building finds a wonderful and reciprocal home soon.
Thank you so much for this feedback. I thought it was just me!! 🥴😂 I’m going to keep going and reframe my expectations. And focus on the fact that I get to do work that I love and I’m passionate about and let that be enough for now.
My sense of community has shifted dramatically following a devastating bereavement I experienced 18 months ago. During the mourning period, I was surrounded by people who were supportive, grieving alongside me and walking with me. I was safely held, cared for and looked after through some of the most challenging months of my life. Somewhere along the road, I've started to feel very alienated in that community. Mourning can be such a public and community thing but the grief journey is such an individual thing. Grieving has made me feel alienated from the different communities which I for a period of time felt I couldn't 'service'. Turns out your social circle shrinks a lot when you don't have the energy to be social. Now that I'm in a different place, I have energy, a bit more mental clarity and a sense of groundedness that loss had taken from me I don't know where to ground myself, where to put my flag and say 'this is my community'.
I'm nostalgic for a community of care that is nearby.
I am most nostalgic for a face to face community, one that I can press my cheek to. I am nostalgic for my very best friends both living within 20 minute hop and a skip away. I am nostalgic for the sense of community I felt when I lived with friends at university and the enlivening conversations we would have and the silly conversations we would have and the meals we would share. I am nostalgic for peeling beans from my best friends mum's garden, with my mum, brother and my auntie in the kitchen whilst we chat about everything and nothing. I am nostalgic for spontaneity, making plans with friends, checking diaries and realising it'll be another 6 weeks until you see your faves is really crazy! Adult life.
I am grateful for communities that exist that I get to participate in, yoga, volunteering community, professional community, my writing community. I am grateful for the love I know, have known and will know. I consider myself very privileged in love. I've met so many great people in different stages and geographies who I hold close to my hear. I don't feel there's a golden thread that binds them in a community, i'm also mindful not to smoosh people together who haven't volunteered to be smooshed together for my own interests/ motivations.
"i am nostalgic for a face to face community, one that I can press my cheek to" - this is a lovely bit of poetry and gave words to a feeling i've been having lately :), thank you
I have community but it is small, plus we are always working (we're all 25 this year) and in the thick of "who the fuck am I?" or "what career is the 'right' one for me". When I am together with the girls, I feel like my authentic self, unlike at work, where I put on a mask and just try my hardest to push through til Friday. While it it's tough not spending a lot of time together, the time we spend together is a gift. It reminds me of sleepovers I'd have with a specific friend as a child. We would sit up all night (maybe we were 7-10 years old during this time), talking about everything, our worries, our crushes, our families, and fears, until we'd eventually fall asleep. Then we'd do it all over the following weekend. I get the same feeling with these people. It's never enough time and I always wish we could do it all again the following week but it's hard as adults.
Since I am recently sober (a little over a year) I am noticing that as I begin to get back out into the club and partying scene I'm feeling more anxiety and pressure than during my first blissful months of sobriety. I feel most connected to my previously mentioned friend group but also want to be friends with other people, who have similar interests. However, it's a different scene, it's a druggy scene. It's not really for me anymore. There's nostalgia for me around this sort of group of people but lord I don't want to relapse.
I found my closest group of friends by asking and manifesting HARD. In 2022 for new years I asked for goodfriends, that was all. Then I started seeing who was in my area, who I'd previously known, who I wanted to reconnect with. I was able to spend time with one person, and then they'd invite me to gatherings they were having with other people who I'd previously known. It felt like I'd been accepted into a group of people who I really respected and could speak/listen to free of judgement. It was quite beautiful how it all unraveled but it was difficult before it was this beautiful collage of friendship webs. I spent a lot of time lonely, making poor decisions, and spending time with people who didn't make me feel alive. My advice is to ask for it and be intentional about it.
I am so grateful for this question, for everyone who has been brave enough to share parts of their lives and souls in this comment section. I pray (to Rupaul) that we can all find community which propels us into the best versions of ourselves.
Community is complicated! These are great questions. For me, community is hard to come by lately, but I can recall having some sense of community at places I’ve worked in the past. It doesn’t look like friendship usually. One time I worked at the county fair for a month and saw the community among the vendors and employees who would see each other year after year, city after city. Even when “in competition” they had each other’s backs and shared what they had, always stopping for friendly conversation. The immediate acceptance and offerings of gifts and free food from not only my coworkers/boss but everyone there was really surprising and comforting! I felt safe to offer the same to others who worked with me or for other vendors, so it was like a big mutual support thing. Really rewarding experience.
community is oneself in relations to all other entities animals, plants, planetary elements etc
then there is micro and macro communities.
Good question. I'll start here then flesh out my answer later, privately. Currently, my community is... mixed and confusing. I still live with my parents so I'm not openly queer and I have to attend church even though it doesn't align with me spiritually. However, this year I have been blessed and appreciate the gift of friends. They have been really instrumental in my growth and realization of love as an action. Most are long distance but they are MY community. In future, I hope to find ways to be in community with other people who are queer and can exist openly with one another. I understand that it will mean I will need to step out of the comfort of solitude and isolation and into being comfortable with community and I'm curious to see how it'll manifest in my life. I also hope I will be receptive when I find myself in spaces where I can just be.