“There's a moon inside every human being. Learn to be companions with it” — Rumi, Listening
loneliness goes beyond physical isolation; it's also the profound sense of emotional disconnection we feel from those around us. those surface-level conversations that leave you craving something deeper, the feeling of not being truly seen or heard, and the sting of having your heartfelt bids for connection dismissed or rejected.
to create a world where people feel truly heard, we have to (restructure the entire society and also, among other things…) become educated on the art of listening. I want to create a podcast episode on this — sharing the collective wisdom of all of us. if you feel called to, please do share:
what makes you feel heard? what actions or qualities stand out to you when someone truly listens to you? can you recall a specific person in your life who made or makes you feel exceptionally heard? please share that experience with us so that we can learn!
what makes you feel unheard? In contrast, what are some common actions that make you feel unheard or dismissed?
meet you in the comments! Sending love. ❤️💖
P.S., the latest episode of my podcast is out now on Spotify, Apple, and YouTube. feeling insecure about it, which I’ll share more about soon, but im telling myself: the bar is hitting submit! so, if you can relate: this is your sign! 💖
I think it’s the reflection. Honesty. A statement of what they heard. When I don’t feel as though I need to use the perfect words because I don’t have to build the entire bridge. When they are listening for my experience, not interjecting their reality or making prescriptions immediately. When I see the pause for the weight of heavy things. Not because they take it on, but because they are noticing it. When they give me new language.
speaking to them feels spacious. Like a place with room I can grow in, a place I can stumble in and be okay. doesn’t feel like it’s risking consequence that leads to more injury and disconnection. And that’s mostly when I feel that if either of us said or did something hurtful, we could actually have a conversation about it. They are easier to be vulnerable with because they are vulnerable and sharing themselves. They bring up things I’ve said, how it impacted them, how they’ve integrated it. They describe me in a way I can hold onto, that feels true and fortifying. They give new context to my words and actions and struggles, put it in beautiful lighting so I can see myself as beautiful. Or clarifying lighting so it’s a necessary mirror when I’m blind. I feel small and in awe when someone has made feel heard and made me feel my worth.
When I feel unheard, I feel I’m endlessly, desperately explaining and it’s fruitless. I think when my whole person isn’t considered or safe to share, when specifics of my difficulties are responded to with general statements, it hurts. It disempowers words, and words are so fundamental to me it’s like being made a ghost. I also feel small, but in a confused and shrunken way.
What makes me feel heard is when someone allows themself to be fully present with me. Listening to truly hear what I am trying to convey or explain. With that being said I realize from this reflection that what makes me feel unheard is someone that tries to rush to give me advice. Being heard feels like being listened to with dignity and respect.
I'm noticing that feeling heard begins with someone's presence. Are they able to hold my marbles? (Brené Brown) Then, it's about their words, the spaces between them, and how they're used. Do their words reflect that they understand my experience or am I receiving a cookie cutter response that's covered in a sheet labeled "empathy?" I guess if I had to name one practical strategy, I think it helps when people make insights about how they perceive my experience because I think in those moments, we're just seeking to be understood.
I feel most heard when people acknowledge my skills and knowledge in a way that allows for collaboration and not just me being helpful. For example, as an autistic person with practical crafts as a special interest I often get asked to fix things for people, I feel heard when they want to do it with me.
I feel least heard when I have to repeatedly explain myself because the person I am talking to has made an assumption about the underlying facets of who I am. Eg. I am an anxious person and feminine presenting, people often assume that my self esteem is the underlying problem, so I have to explain my problems repeatedly while actively combatting their incorrect assumptions.
The other thing that makes me feel unheard is when my expertise, knowledge, or even interest in a subject is undermined. Think the typical "name 3 songs by that band" or "I bet you haven't even played that game" type of gatekeeping as a primary example.
Feeling heard to me means a respect for space and a respect for my independence. So often I feel that people feel entitled to my presence and though they can still be lovely people, I quietly often feel resentful of this and my lack of strength to confront this. So those who naturally know these boundaries make me feel heard and valued.
I feel heard when I know that this person assumes the best of me. That they hear the pain behind the brash nature of my words. My best friend is my best listener. She hears me and as someone else said, she gives me new language for things. I feel heard when her eyes light up and I can feel her paying full attention to me. I feel heard when she listens to all my ramblings (I tend to monologue ) and never once zones out. She feels like she holds all my anxiety and fear of speaking out and says to me, you're safe here, you're not going to say the wrong thing. And if you do, we shall course correct together.
I feel unheard when I am judged on the words in the moment rather than the context of the issue. This has brought up how much I struggle communicating because I constantly feel like there's too much context to be provided to every conversation and I try to summarize it into one sentence and then the other person doesn't understand me (because I don't be making sense sometimes) so yeah, thank you for this Ayanda!
I think that trust makes me feel heard. It’s not so much about the response but it’s that I trust the person so much that I know I am being heard. It’s hard to explain but this trust creates a safe space. I know that I will be heard by that person and they know they will be heard by me. Through love and trust we have already agreed that the other person will always put forth their best effort to listen when the other one speaks.
I feel heard when I'm just allowed yo exist. I do not have to rationalise or use my intelligence or wit. When I can talk and whoever I'm talking to is not there to fix it but allow me to just let my words flow free. When they understand that in this moment I am not the smart solver with ideas but someone who just wants to release
I feel heard when people choose not to make assumptions about the reason of why I feel what I feel, but rather let me figure it out myself or let me seat with my feelings without rationalising or "solving" them. I feel heard when people decide not to attach their experience with me now to their experience with me before.
These past few weeks I’ve felt extremely lonely in my empathy for those suffering under oppressive regimes. I wish was closer to people I can cry with and hold space with but the internet helps for now.
I think it’s the reflection. Honesty. A statement of what they heard. When I don’t feel as though I need to use the perfect words because I don’t have to build the entire bridge. When they are listening for my experience, not interjecting their reality or making prescriptions immediately. When I see the pause for the weight of heavy things. Not because they take it on, but because they are noticing it. When they give me new language.
speaking to them feels spacious. Like a place with room I can grow in, a place I can stumble in and be okay. doesn’t feel like it’s risking consequence that leads to more injury and disconnection. And that’s mostly when I feel that if either of us said or did something hurtful, we could actually have a conversation about it. They are easier to be vulnerable with because they are vulnerable and sharing themselves. They bring up things I’ve said, how it impacted them, how they’ve integrated it. They describe me in a way I can hold onto, that feels true and fortifying. They give new context to my words and actions and struggles, put it in beautiful lighting so I can see myself as beautiful. Or clarifying lighting so it’s a necessary mirror when I’m blind. I feel small and in awe when someone has made feel heard and made me feel my worth.
When I feel unheard, I feel I’m endlessly, desperately explaining and it’s fruitless. I think when my whole person isn’t considered or safe to share, when specifics of my difficulties are responded to with general statements, it hurts. It disempowers words, and words are so fundamental to me it’s like being made a ghost. I also feel small, but in a confused and shrunken way.
What makes me feel heard is when someone allows themself to be fully present with me. Listening to truly hear what I am trying to convey or explain. With that being said I realize from this reflection that what makes me feel unheard is someone that tries to rush to give me advice. Being heard feels like being listened to with dignity and respect.
I'm noticing that feeling heard begins with someone's presence. Are they able to hold my marbles? (Brené Brown) Then, it's about their words, the spaces between them, and how they're used. Do their words reflect that they understand my experience or am I receiving a cookie cutter response that's covered in a sheet labeled "empathy?" I guess if I had to name one practical strategy, I think it helps when people make insights about how they perceive my experience because I think in those moments, we're just seeking to be understood.
I feel most heard when people acknowledge my skills and knowledge in a way that allows for collaboration and not just me being helpful. For example, as an autistic person with practical crafts as a special interest I often get asked to fix things for people, I feel heard when they want to do it with me.
I feel least heard when I have to repeatedly explain myself because the person I am talking to has made an assumption about the underlying facets of who I am. Eg. I am an anxious person and feminine presenting, people often assume that my self esteem is the underlying problem, so I have to explain my problems repeatedly while actively combatting their incorrect assumptions.
The other thing that makes me feel unheard is when my expertise, knowledge, or even interest in a subject is undermined. Think the typical "name 3 songs by that band" or "I bet you haven't even played that game" type of gatekeeping as a primary example.
Feeling heard to me means a respect for space and a respect for my independence. So often I feel that people feel entitled to my presence and though they can still be lovely people, I quietly often feel resentful of this and my lack of strength to confront this. So those who naturally know these boundaries make me feel heard and valued.
I feel heard when I know that this person assumes the best of me. That they hear the pain behind the brash nature of my words. My best friend is my best listener. She hears me and as someone else said, she gives me new language for things. I feel heard when her eyes light up and I can feel her paying full attention to me. I feel heard when she listens to all my ramblings (I tend to monologue ) and never once zones out. She feels like she holds all my anxiety and fear of speaking out and says to me, you're safe here, you're not going to say the wrong thing. And if you do, we shall course correct together.
I feel unheard when I am judged on the words in the moment rather than the context of the issue. This has brought up how much I struggle communicating because I constantly feel like there's too much context to be provided to every conversation and I try to summarize it into one sentence and then the other person doesn't understand me (because I don't be making sense sometimes) so yeah, thank you for this Ayanda!
I think that trust makes me feel heard. It’s not so much about the response but it’s that I trust the person so much that I know I am being heard. It’s hard to explain but this trust creates a safe space. I know that I will be heard by that person and they know they will be heard by me. Through love and trust we have already agreed that the other person will always put forth their best effort to listen when the other one speaks.
I feel heard when I'm just allowed yo exist. I do not have to rationalise or use my intelligence or wit. When I can talk and whoever I'm talking to is not there to fix it but allow me to just let my words flow free. When they understand that in this moment I am not the smart solver with ideas but someone who just wants to release
I feel heard when people choose not to make assumptions about the reason of why I feel what I feel, but rather let me figure it out myself or let me seat with my feelings without rationalising or "solving" them. I feel heard when people decide not to attach their experience with me now to their experience with me before.
I really feel heard when the person I'm talking to says "I don't understand. What did you mean by X?"
They're paying attention not just to what I'm saying but also to how it's landing with them.
They're invested in the communication being completed.
They're offering me an opportunity to expand or clarify.
<3
These past few weeks I’ve felt extremely lonely in my empathy for those suffering under oppressive regimes. I wish was closer to people I can cry with and hold space with but the internet helps for now.