I give you my love today. I am an eternal student of questions (tip: keep a Note on your phone, keeping your favorite ones safe…) and their ability to connect us on that deep, soulful level that we all crave but are not socialized to unearth.
The magic of connection lies deep below the surface. But how do we get there?
There is a quote from bell hooks’ wonderful book, Communion, that says: “There is an eros present at every meeting, and this is also sacred”.
Thoughtful questions, then, stoke the flames of eros between us. There are igniting questions, and extinguishing ones — and it’s all relative and contextual of course. As Krista Tippett has said (full delicious quote below): “Questions elicit answersin theirlikeness; answers rise or fall to the questions they meet.”
How do we ask more expansive, generous questions that invite people to feel truly seen, fascinating, attended to? What a gift to feel the genuine curiosity, presence, and attention of another. It’s a gift worth offering each other again and again, even as what the dopamine cartel tries to distract us from the sacred beauty of embodied connection.
So today I would love to ask you:
What questiondo you wish you were asked more? What’s a question you’d gladly INVITE over for tea today? And if you feel called, Why is this such a satisfying question for you?
I came up with several alternatives to this question (What’s the best way to ask this question? Why?)
What's your favorite question you've ever been asked?
What's your favorite question to ask other people?
What's a question you would love to be asked by a stranger specifically? I am on the hunt for more non-intrusive but also thoughtful questions to ask strangers…
Sending love.
with love and gratitude, Ayanda
P.S. I love and highly recommend this (short!) podcast episode by Krista Tippet on Living the Questions. She encourages us to ask more “How” and “Why” questions, instead of capitalism’s obsession with “What” and “How Much” questions. Here I am, asking a “What” question — but I feel it’s worth asking. Here is my favorite quote from the episode, wow just wow:
”My love for this teaching and the seriousness with which I take it rests in part on my deep reverence for the gravity and the power of questions in human life. I think that this is undervalued in a culture that is in love with the form of words that is an answer, and the way with words that is an argument. That I also find a question to be a mighty form of words. And I have learned a few things about questions. I have learned that questions elicit answers in their likeness; that answers rise or fall to the questions they meet. And we’ve all seen this; we’ve all experienced it. It’s very hard to respond to a combative question with anything but a combative answer. It’s almost impossible to transcend a simplistic question with anything but a simplistic answer. But the opposite is also true: it’s hard to resist a generous question.”
P.P.S.: I am hosting a Free MasterClass on Creative Kinship this Sunday, June 30 at 10-11:30am EST / 2-3:30pm UTC. Learn more and get the link to register here.
This reminds of Audre Lorde's Questionnair to Oneself:
What are the words you do not have yet? [Or, “for what do you not have words, yet?”]
What do you need to say? [List as many things as necessary]
“What are the tyrannies you swallow day by day and attempt to make your own, until you will sicken and die of them, still in silence?” [List as many as necessary today. Then write a new list tomorrow. And the day after.]
If we have been “socialized to respect fear more than our own needs for language and definition,” ask yourself: “What’s the worst that could happen to me if I tell this truth?” [So, answer this today. And every day.]
yessss I love this question Natasha! It invites us to learn so much about someone's deepest passions, curiosities, dreams, and values!! THANK YOU for this offering, i love it
I realized recently that some of my favorite questions are ones that follow up with a topic discussed in the previous days or even weeks. These types of questions wouldn't work with strangers obviously, but there is something so beautiful about being asked a question about something you shared days ago; "Are you still feeling lonely? How has it shifted?" "How is that project you started? What is your biggest joy or struggle with it?" or even as simple as, "How has the summer felt so far?"
oh my word YES I love this!! SO true!! the butterflies from someone remembering what we shared previously. it feels soooo scrumptious! I love each of these, thank you Erin!
it sounds awkward, but basically any variation of this question makes me feel seen and glad, knowing I can start talking about the ramblings in my mind.
"What's your favorite question you've ever been asked?"
- what's your name?
not to be cheesy, but spins on this question are what begin one of the most beautiful things in this world: companionships. the hope of possibilities in those words ought to be cherished.
"What's your favorite question to ask other people?"
- what are your political/philosophical views (on life)?
some people dislike this question, perceiving it as combative, but I have seen too many faces brighten at it to stop asking. just like how I like being asked this, I feel it gives another the space to share any thoughts they consider important, and introduce themselves on their own terms, without limiting categories.
"What's a question you would love to be asked by a stranger specifically?"
- any of the above.
or, more seriously, "what are you reading?" is a good one. though, it's limiting as a prompt to keep ready for strangers, seeing as it requires the presence of a book. (or, if you're brave enough, ask someone sans a book)
I am truly OBSESSED please leave blocks of text whenever and always! this was so thoughtful and resonated with me deeply. you write so beautifully!! wow " the hope of possibilities in those words ought to be cherished." THANK you for your generosity!!!
I FEEL SO AT HOME IN THIS COMMENT SECTION!!! THANK YOU TO ALL WHO RESPONDED you are so generous and thoughtful, I am SO proud to be here! Sending love to all of you!
Mmmmm I love this question! And I am so curious because you've clearly given this some feel... What are they?? Love how this question is packed with so much wisdom by implication!! we tend to think of rest as one-dimensional and yet there are multiple forms and dimensions of it, thanks for reminding us!
Favorite question ever asked: How do you measure a year?
Favorite question to ask other people: What vegetable or fruit do you identify with?
I love to be asked by strangers: Honestly I thought a little longer on this, I think the best thing is when strangers ask indirect questions like.. "tell me about your bracelet" or "Tell me about your journey with your hair right now" or "tell me about your fixation meal" or "tell me what is giving you energy back these days" instead of a direct question.
-What are you feeling hopeful about at the moment?
(I find this to be a question that honours that’s there’s so much that doesn’t feel us feeling hopeful but creates a space where we can discuss what there is to be hopeful about)
A dear friend of mine gifted me this question 4 years ago.
- What colour is your soul today?
I’ve also taken to saying ‘how are you today?’ Instead of “are you okay? / you alright?” which is quite common where I live. To avoid leading with expected positivity.
When someone shares news with me: success in job application, the end of a relationship, a change in health status, excitement for an upcoming trip, a big presentation at work etc I’ve taken to following up with
-“How did that make you feel?” If it’s in retrospect
-“How are you feeling about?” If it’s coming up/ ongoing
I'm genderfluid and don't have a set name, and when people ask this I know they have truly listened to me and are making time to make the conversation accessible.
I like to ask people about their passions/hyperfixations, if I know or can gather from the conversation what they are. They light up and I learn so, so much about practically anything.
In most primary schools in England, we had a singing assembly and the songs we used to sing were mostly hymns, even if like me, you went to a multicultural and non religious school.
My favourite question to ask in a group of strangers who I know have or assume have gone through the British education system is “what’s your favourite hymn?”
It always brings about such a lively conversation and friendly debate. People share all sorts about where they went to school, their home towns, how weird it is that we all seemed to sing these hymns up and down the country. The conversation is usually pregnant with nostalgia, speckled with laughters and we have on occasion ended up breaking out into song when the group had reached a consensus on what the best hymn was.
i must be an outlier cos i often answer simple questions with long, nuanced answers. i love love love questions but also don't like them sometimes because i am vulnerable and sensitive so all questions open up doors and windows inside me that i either illustrate or decide to push back on.
What's your favorite question you've ever been asked?
...i dont think i have a favorite question ive been asked, i more so love receiving genuine, honest responses to questions and when i am able to collaborate in making a moment of space where the breadth of a person is loosened and widened.
What's your favorite question to ask other people?
...i mean my go to was "what are you most afraid of?" which i think some people its too much for them but i think fear and reality are something we co-exist in...whether we know each other or not. and many have the same...imagine how less lonely we'd feel if we were open and honest with our fears, imagine how it would lessen the control it can have on a person. also i dont have favorites usually. too much of the present moment informs and shapes what i wish to know. but i think "what's on your heart and mind today?" & "what are you thinking about?" are good ones to have handy. its open enough for the person to choose how to approach, inviting enough for those that sense it, to trust i want the honest answer.
What's a question you would love to be asked by a stranger specifically? I am on the hunt for more non-intrusive but also thoughtful questions to ask strangers…
...honestly i think just talking to strangers is nice. i like commenting on things, asking follow up questions, and ESPECIALLY giving a genuine compliment. i love to tell people that their energy is beautiful, they have a wonderful smile or laugh, the style their wearing, the way they carry themselves, the vulnerability and honesty they walk in, if they need help with xyz, idk i just...am loving sharing those moments with strangers. i prefer to feel the cross roads of our lives colliding, tasting whats in the air and being guiding by the moment and person.
One of the number one question i like to ask people is “how their inner child’s identity is connected to their purpose”
Of course I would like to answer it myself because i’ve thought a lot on the answer so much so I am writing a book on it. A-lot of people in society also deny their inner child, so it also forces them to the mirror of their insides.
This reminds of Audre Lorde's Questionnair to Oneself:
What are the words you do not have yet? [Or, “for what do you not have words, yet?”]
What do you need to say? [List as many things as necessary]
“What are the tyrannies you swallow day by day and attempt to make your own, until you will sicken and die of them, still in silence?” [List as many as necessary today. Then write a new list tomorrow. And the day after.]
If we have been “socialized to respect fear more than our own needs for language and definition,” ask yourself: “What’s the worst that could happen to me if I tell this truth?” [So, answer this today. And every day.]
oh i love the second one! i love audre’s connection to words/ poetry.
this was so powerful! thank you for sharing
My favorite question to ask other people: If money didn’t matter and wasn’t a concern, what would you want to be doing?
yessss I love this question Natasha! It invites us to learn so much about someone's deepest passions, curiosities, dreams, and values!! THANK YOU for this offering, i love it
*Nyasha
I sent you an email. Let me know if you received it. :)
I realized recently that some of my favorite questions are ones that follow up with a topic discussed in the previous days or even weeks. These types of questions wouldn't work with strangers obviously, but there is something so beautiful about being asked a question about something you shared days ago; "Are you still feeling lonely? How has it shifted?" "How is that project you started? What is your biggest joy or struggle with it?" or even as simple as, "How has the summer felt so far?"
oh my word YES I love this!! SO true!! the butterflies from someone remembering what we shared previously. it feels soooo scrumptious! I love each of these, thank you Erin!
don't mind me leaving a block of text here, but:
"What question do you wish you were asked more?"
- what are your philosophies on life?
it sounds awkward, but basically any variation of this question makes me feel seen and glad, knowing I can start talking about the ramblings in my mind.
"What's your favorite question you've ever been asked?"
- what's your name?
not to be cheesy, but spins on this question are what begin one of the most beautiful things in this world: companionships. the hope of possibilities in those words ought to be cherished.
"What's your favorite question to ask other people?"
- what are your political/philosophical views (on life)?
some people dislike this question, perceiving it as combative, but I have seen too many faces brighten at it to stop asking. just like how I like being asked this, I feel it gives another the space to share any thoughts they consider important, and introduce themselves on their own terms, without limiting categories.
"What's a question you would love to be asked by a stranger specifically?"
- any of the above.
or, more seriously, "what are you reading?" is a good one. though, it's limiting as a prompt to keep ready for strangers, seeing as it requires the presence of a book. (or, if you're brave enough, ask someone sans a book)
I am truly OBSESSED please leave blocks of text whenever and always! this was so thoughtful and resonated with me deeply. you write so beautifully!! wow " the hope of possibilities in those words ought to be cherished." THANK you for your generosity!!!
I'm so glad you like it <3
what’s a load you carry around and hope more people would see? what are you carrying but wish less people saw?
(to me they both share the same answer)
I FEEL SO AT HOME IN THIS COMMENT SECTION!!! THANK YOU TO ALL WHO RESPONDED you are so generous and thoughtful, I am SO proud to be here! Sending love to all of you!
What are your favourite ways to rest?
Mmmmm I love this question! And I am so curious because you've clearly given this some feel... What are they?? Love how this question is packed with so much wisdom by implication!! we tend to think of rest as one-dimensional and yet there are multiple forms and dimensions of it, thanks for reminding us!
borrowed from Lisa Olivera:
(love them as a pair and they feel so important during these times of deep grief and also making space for joy)
where are you in your sadness?
where are you in your vitality?
mmmmmmm I felt this in my core!!! Thank you Bex! Oof... I needed this today. Thank you!
What's alive for you right now?
This is my favorite question to ask and be asked. <3
Favorite question ever asked: How do you measure a year?
Favorite question to ask other people: What vegetable or fruit do you identify with?
I love to be asked by strangers: Honestly I thought a little longer on this, I think the best thing is when strangers ask indirect questions like.. "tell me about your bracelet" or "Tell me about your journey with your hair right now" or "tell me about your fixation meal" or "tell me what is giving you energy back these days" instead of a direct question.
-What are you feeling hopeful about at the moment?
(I find this to be a question that honours that’s there’s so much that doesn’t feel us feeling hopeful but creates a space where we can discuss what there is to be hopeful about)
A dear friend of mine gifted me this question 4 years ago.
- What colour is your soul today?
I’ve also taken to saying ‘how are you today?’ Instead of “are you okay? / you alright?” which is quite common where I live. To avoid leading with expected positivity.
When someone shares news with me: success in job application, the end of a relationship, a change in health status, excitement for an upcoming trip, a big presentation at work etc I’ve taken to following up with
-“How did that make you feel?” If it’s in retrospect
-“How are you feeling about?” If it’s coming up/ ongoing
"What are your name and pronouns today?"
I'm genderfluid and don't have a set name, and when people ask this I know they have truly listened to me and are making time to make the conversation accessible.
I like to ask people about their passions/hyperfixations, if I know or can gather from the conversation what they are. They light up and I learn so, so much about practically anything.
“what a gift to feel the genuine curiosity, presence, and attention of another.” Beautiful 🌟
In most primary schools in England, we had a singing assembly and the songs we used to sing were mostly hymns, even if like me, you went to a multicultural and non religious school.
My favourite question to ask in a group of strangers who I know have or assume have gone through the British education system is “what’s your favourite hymn?”
It always brings about such a lively conversation and friendly debate. People share all sorts about where they went to school, their home towns, how weird it is that we all seemed to sing these hymns up and down the country. The conversation is usually pregnant with nostalgia, speckled with laughters and we have on occasion ended up breaking out into song when the group had reached a consensus on what the best hymn was.
Really loved this. Hoping to catch the recording of the Creative Kinship class!!
How have your parents shaped you as a person?
Parents/ siblings/ friends/ guardian, how have the people in your life helped shape the you you are today?
i must be an outlier cos i often answer simple questions with long, nuanced answers. i love love love questions but also don't like them sometimes because i am vulnerable and sensitive so all questions open up doors and windows inside me that i either illustrate or decide to push back on.
What's your favorite question you've ever been asked?
...i dont think i have a favorite question ive been asked, i more so love receiving genuine, honest responses to questions and when i am able to collaborate in making a moment of space where the breadth of a person is loosened and widened.
What's your favorite question to ask other people?
...i mean my go to was "what are you most afraid of?" which i think some people its too much for them but i think fear and reality are something we co-exist in...whether we know each other or not. and many have the same...imagine how less lonely we'd feel if we were open and honest with our fears, imagine how it would lessen the control it can have on a person. also i dont have favorites usually. too much of the present moment informs and shapes what i wish to know. but i think "what's on your heart and mind today?" & "what are you thinking about?" are good ones to have handy. its open enough for the person to choose how to approach, inviting enough for those that sense it, to trust i want the honest answer.
What's a question you would love to be asked by a stranger specifically? I am on the hunt for more non-intrusive but also thoughtful questions to ask strangers…
...honestly i think just talking to strangers is nice. i like commenting on things, asking follow up questions, and ESPECIALLY giving a genuine compliment. i love to tell people that their energy is beautiful, they have a wonderful smile or laugh, the style their wearing, the way they carry themselves, the vulnerability and honesty they walk in, if they need help with xyz, idk i just...am loving sharing those moments with strangers. i prefer to feel the cross roads of our lives colliding, tasting whats in the air and being guiding by the moment and person.
One of the number one question i like to ask people is “how their inner child’s identity is connected to their purpose”
Of course I would like to answer it myself because i’ve thought a lot on the answer so much so I am writing a book on it. A-lot of people in society also deny their inner child, so it also forces them to the mirror of their insides.