it’s only in the past year or so that I have recognized how deeply avoidant I can be. difficult conversations, easy conversations, admin, creative projects, confronting the truth of what I must do, visas… if it exists and is remotely painful, i’m avoiding it. either directly or indirectly. so, I would love to hear from you:
what are you avoiding?
what are the actions you know you need to take but feel great fear or avoidance around? how does your avoidance show up for you? what do you feel pulled towards instead?
what impact does your avoidance have on you and your life?
Or anything you feel called to share.
I’ll meet you in the comments! Sending love.
P.S. if you want to face what you are avoiding together, come and show up together this Sunday from 9am-12pm EST.
1. Whenever it comes to reconnecting with friends I haven't spoken to in a while, I feel great resistance (alot of it stemming from guilt and shame + some pettiness "why haven't they reached out"). I also have alot of resistance regarding being seen! Anything to do with meeting new people, sharing my work or even being celebrated makes me cringe! I feel pulled towards hiding and isolating instead.
2. I think avoidance has caused me to 'miss out' on opportunities I actually would have really liked including joining theatre groups when I was younger because I had a fear of not being liked or seen as good enough. I think its also caused a lack of depth in so many past friendships that ended because of how I would avoid intimacy and vulnerability.
I'm a work in progress though and I'm so grateful to have done these self reflections as I know it can only mean better is to come :)
Phaedra my heart is so full thank YOU for commenting! I'm so happy this resonates with you it really goes to show that we're not lonely in our experiences <3
Anything outside of habit is wrapped in avoidance! Stepping out of routines that don’t necessarily serve me but are comfortable (staying up way too late, scrolling for hours, not actualizing creative ideas, etc.) is tough. I find that I’m happiest when I feel rested AND that I’m fulfilling my potential- a tough balance to strike! Perhaps tackling avoidance means knowing what actually makes you feel good and DOING IT! I’ll often associate habits that actually make me feel sluggish with rest or self care- I can put off writing a few poems or painting for a few days to watch a few more episodes of this or that… because I deserve it, right? I know deep down, though, that the mechanisms of avoidance don’t honor my body or mind or spirit. Maybe actual self care is believing you’re worth overcoming usual little inertias, and finding fulfillment on the other side :)
I have a similar experience of avoidance through cozy/unsustainable habits. Watching too much tv (+ staying up) is a big one and yet I consider it “rest.” Perfectionism lends the excuse to avoid creative projects and then I feel guilty. Because I know how much joy I feel from being creative and I don’t know why I’m denying myself that joy. The cycle becomes this feedback loop of overstimulation and shame which aren’t good motivators for art. Slowly but surely I’m incorporating more joy to my day by sort of pacing out activities and projects. Sometimes doing the thing seems so much more work than it is but you just gotta trust the process.
This is a great prompt! Avoidance for me can show up and feel soooooo cozy. It’s like a nice gray blanket for my brain. It can be sneaky like that. And then about 7 or 8 hours into a day where I had plans, my body starts to hurt and I start to get uncomfortable.
I avoid big confrontations by talking about them to close friends not directly involved (oof), and cleaning my room has always been a struggle that I get to every once in a while. I feel like even though I’ve developed some pretty good skills for showing up for things I feel ashamed about or perfectionist about but even so, sometimes the default to comfortable avoidance sneaks in there and takes over my mindset completely!
I can’t explain it well, but my avoidance/ resistance of being seen has led me even doubt my inner thoughts. Like, here I am reading this substack post and the first thought I had after reading the prompt and some of the comments is, “okay I don’t think I can articulate myself enough for it to make sense” and I feel like this is kind of bad. Am I so self avoidant that I don’t even want to perceive myself even trying?
It feels so uncomfortable even typing this and being vulnerable but I guess this is the steps needed in dealing with it
Ooooof avoidance. Right now I’m avoiding starting my day because I have a flight this afternoon and I’m nervous about my trip! I’m also avoiding setting up my student loan repayments now that interest rates are kicking in again. I’m also avoiding a few texts from people who I genuinely want to connect with but for some reason the texts feel slightly heavy or effortful so I keep putting it off.
I try to incorporate avoidance into my awareness so I can at least acknowledge that there’s shit piling up. It’s not my favorite thing that I do, mainly because it slowly erodes my self trust and self confidence, but in my practice of acknowledging I have been able to find some self compassion around it. And, once I do the things I’ve been avoiding, I feel really proud of myself. So even when I’m in the avoidant phase I’m like... ok this won’t be forever and soon I’ll kick into self care mode and take care of these things I know I’m avoiding... and ultimately that will help me feel like the best version of myself. You know?? Idk this is the first time I’ve tried to describe my process around avoidance. Basically we’re besties, we hang out all the time!
Despite the fact that I'm trying to pull myself together as a speaker and an artist, I've found that I'm super resistant to being perceived. I distanced myself from most of my friends in this city due to how dangerous and downright weird their behavior can be, but I also worry that if I post my art or organize/participate in a show, they'll show up and make a scene for ghosting them. Until now, the career of my dreams has been on hold because I'm scared of someone close to me getting jealous and trying to knock me down a peg, which has happened before.
All of this could be avoided if I just tell them I don't want to be friends anymore, and I know that's not because "I don't want to hurt their feelings" but "I've worked too hard to rebuild my reputation after the last one retaliated; I'm not about to give these people half the chance."
Too many bad relationships led me to this avoidance, but it's still my responsibility to sort it out.
I literally opened this to avoid doing something I need to do,but because it isn't as forthcoming as I would rather it be,I have avoided it for about 3 weeks now. Nothing seems to work, even when I fully understand how it counts for the bigger picture, or embodying an ideal version of myself that cares for shit like that and does what is required of them. The only thing that has sprung me to action is the threat of very unpleasant shit happening to me if I don't get to it,when the threat doesn't exist, I beat myself up and that just makes it worse.
the idea that I will invest just a small slice of my time seems to work- i use pomodoro to track my time and once the time is done i do things I would rather be doing.
I tell myself the little I did is better than nothing
I avoid big “necessary” societal obligations, like registering my car/DMV things, paperwork for finances like taxes or budgeting. And the debt that I’ve gotten myself in is something I need to take care, and lack the motivation to do so or put it off for one reason or another. of course the longer I avoid it the bigger and worse it gets, taking up more of my energy and brain space than it deserves for these that have nothing to do with my destiny…💀
I’m currently avoiding jumping into a new career (currently a nanny looking to be a child therapist) because I’ve tried to get into a new career in the past and it wasn’t the correct path. I spent years studying and pursuing a career as a doula just to find I actually didn’t like being on call because I can’t function without 8 hours of sleep.
This past experience is leading me to avoid a new potential career. It feels wildly unnecessary for me to avoid but I feel my time actually CAN be wasted.
So here I am meditating, sitting with myself, and it feels never ending. I’m hoping a sort of time limit on sitting around will help also the awesome push that is Virgo season 🙌🏽
Right now im definitely avoiding my college applications, essays and scholarships. I know that I'm a good student with an outstanding transcript and should not have trouble getting in anywhere, but I guess some part of me is avoiding it because of all those expectations. Every time I open common app or one of the college websites, there's so many links and things to fill out and it's just all way to overwhelming.
The fact that im avoiding it is stressing out my mother more than me though, but her being stressed means that the whole family is as well (which is unfair to her). I'm a bit scared that I might procrastinate the applications a lot like I procrastinate everything else and that's it's gonna hurt my chances at getting in to where I wanna go or earning scholarships
I have a tendency to avoid 1) all connecting with other humans (especially platonic connecting), and 2) anything that could make me be seen and visible; some deep wounds are always calling me to the "safety" and familiarity of isolation. I'm working on this a lot lately, but the avoidance is still there.
Currently gathering the strength to contact a local organizer to ask if I could help with an event- a huge step that I want to take, but worry that the avoidance won't let me do it in time. I'm also putting off figuring out ways to share my writing and art consistently.
I'm tired of being invisible, and I'm looking forward to meeting the version of myself who has gotten better at being seen and taking up space!
i avoid difficult conversations as much as possible or anything important, when someone say let’s talk,for some weird reason i get so anxious, and the impact ended being im left out of important information that i could use to help them or just be there, learnt that the hard way this year but im glaD im lucky enough to recognise this. 💖
These are amazing questions!! Especially, the 'what are you pulled towards instead' has been very much in my conciousness lately.
I am very close to finishing my Masters, I just need to write one report of some project I worked in and then I can focus on my thesis and another writing project I am very passionate about. It's this report that stands between me and these two projects. And I keep avoiding it at all cost.
The funny thing is that the report is not even graded, I just need to submit it and comply to some criteria. I believe it is so difficult for me because I have to report on work that I did that makes me very uncomfortable (unworthy?).
I want to get it done so that I can work on projects that I choose to do, although I will be facing other forms of resistance then.
The thing I am drawn too, are mechanical and bounded tasks where my body just acts without having to think much or where one limited mental capacity is required and there is some restriction of time and space (in contrast to these other pursuits that seem so vast and endless and serve a higher purpose for me). This can range from combing my hair, doing my nails, to puzzles and riddles that I find in the newspaper.
1. Whenever it comes to reconnecting with friends I haven't spoken to in a while, I feel great resistance (alot of it stemming from guilt and shame + some pettiness "why haven't they reached out"). I also have alot of resistance regarding being seen! Anything to do with meeting new people, sharing my work or even being celebrated makes me cringe! I feel pulled towards hiding and isolating instead.
2. I think avoidance has caused me to 'miss out' on opportunities I actually would have really liked including joining theatre groups when I was younger because I had a fear of not being liked or seen as good enough. I think its also caused a lack of depth in so many past friendships that ended because of how I would avoid intimacy and vulnerability.
I'm a work in progress though and I'm so grateful to have done these self reflections as I know it can only mean better is to come :)
I can relate so much to what you are saying!! It means the world to me reading this here <3 thank you!!
Phaedra my heart is so full thank YOU for commenting! I'm so happy this resonates with you it really goes to show that we're not lonely in our experiences <3
Anything outside of habit is wrapped in avoidance! Stepping out of routines that don’t necessarily serve me but are comfortable (staying up way too late, scrolling for hours, not actualizing creative ideas, etc.) is tough. I find that I’m happiest when I feel rested AND that I’m fulfilling my potential- a tough balance to strike! Perhaps tackling avoidance means knowing what actually makes you feel good and DOING IT! I’ll often associate habits that actually make me feel sluggish with rest or self care- I can put off writing a few poems or painting for a few days to watch a few more episodes of this or that… because I deserve it, right? I know deep down, though, that the mechanisms of avoidance don’t honor my body or mind or spirit. Maybe actual self care is believing you’re worth overcoming usual little inertias, and finding fulfillment on the other side :)
I have a similar experience of avoidance through cozy/unsustainable habits. Watching too much tv (+ staying up) is a big one and yet I consider it “rest.” Perfectionism lends the excuse to avoid creative projects and then I feel guilty. Because I know how much joy I feel from being creative and I don’t know why I’m denying myself that joy. The cycle becomes this feedback loop of overstimulation and shame which aren’t good motivators for art. Slowly but surely I’m incorporating more joy to my day by sort of pacing out activities and projects. Sometimes doing the thing seems so much more work than it is but you just gotta trust the process.
This is a great prompt! Avoidance for me can show up and feel soooooo cozy. It’s like a nice gray blanket for my brain. It can be sneaky like that. And then about 7 or 8 hours into a day where I had plans, my body starts to hurt and I start to get uncomfortable.
I avoid big confrontations by talking about them to close friends not directly involved (oof), and cleaning my room has always been a struggle that I get to every once in a while. I feel like even though I’ve developed some pretty good skills for showing up for things I feel ashamed about or perfectionist about but even so, sometimes the default to comfortable avoidance sneaks in there and takes over my mindset completely!
I can’t explain it well, but my avoidance/ resistance of being seen has led me even doubt my inner thoughts. Like, here I am reading this substack post and the first thought I had after reading the prompt and some of the comments is, “okay I don’t think I can articulate myself enough for it to make sense” and I feel like this is kind of bad. Am I so self avoidant that I don’t even want to perceive myself even trying?
It feels so uncomfortable even typing this and being vulnerable but I guess this is the steps needed in dealing with it
Ooooof avoidance. Right now I’m avoiding starting my day because I have a flight this afternoon and I’m nervous about my trip! I’m also avoiding setting up my student loan repayments now that interest rates are kicking in again. I’m also avoiding a few texts from people who I genuinely want to connect with but for some reason the texts feel slightly heavy or effortful so I keep putting it off.
I try to incorporate avoidance into my awareness so I can at least acknowledge that there’s shit piling up. It’s not my favorite thing that I do, mainly because it slowly erodes my self trust and self confidence, but in my practice of acknowledging I have been able to find some self compassion around it. And, once I do the things I’ve been avoiding, I feel really proud of myself. So even when I’m in the avoidant phase I’m like... ok this won’t be forever and soon I’ll kick into self care mode and take care of these things I know I’m avoiding... and ultimately that will help me feel like the best version of myself. You know?? Idk this is the first time I’ve tried to describe my process around avoidance. Basically we’re besties, we hang out all the time!
I love that!! I want to besties with my avoindance now too!
Despite the fact that I'm trying to pull myself together as a speaker and an artist, I've found that I'm super resistant to being perceived. I distanced myself from most of my friends in this city due to how dangerous and downright weird their behavior can be, but I also worry that if I post my art or organize/participate in a show, they'll show up and make a scene for ghosting them. Until now, the career of my dreams has been on hold because I'm scared of someone close to me getting jealous and trying to knock me down a peg, which has happened before.
All of this could be avoided if I just tell them I don't want to be friends anymore, and I know that's not because "I don't want to hurt their feelings" but "I've worked too hard to rebuild my reputation after the last one retaliated; I'm not about to give these people half the chance."
Too many bad relationships led me to this avoidance, but it's still my responsibility to sort it out.
I literally opened this to avoid doing something I need to do,but because it isn't as forthcoming as I would rather it be,I have avoided it for about 3 weeks now. Nothing seems to work, even when I fully understand how it counts for the bigger picture, or embodying an ideal version of myself that cares for shit like that and does what is required of them. The only thing that has sprung me to action is the threat of very unpleasant shit happening to me if I don't get to it,when the threat doesn't exist, I beat myself up and that just makes it worse.
the idea that I will invest just a small slice of my time seems to work- i use pomodoro to track my time and once the time is done i do things I would rather be doing.
I tell myself the little I did is better than nothing
Felt this 🤣
I avoid big “necessary” societal obligations, like registering my car/DMV things, paperwork for finances like taxes or budgeting. And the debt that I’ve gotten myself in is something I need to take care, and lack the motivation to do so or put it off for one reason or another. of course the longer I avoid it the bigger and worse it gets, taking up more of my energy and brain space than it deserves for these that have nothing to do with my destiny…💀
I’m currently avoiding jumping into a new career (currently a nanny looking to be a child therapist) because I’ve tried to get into a new career in the past and it wasn’t the correct path. I spent years studying and pursuing a career as a doula just to find I actually didn’t like being on call because I can’t function without 8 hours of sleep.
This past experience is leading me to avoid a new potential career. It feels wildly unnecessary for me to avoid but I feel my time actually CAN be wasted.
So here I am meditating, sitting with myself, and it feels never ending. I’m hoping a sort of time limit on sitting around will help also the awesome push that is Virgo season 🙌🏽
Right now im definitely avoiding my college applications, essays and scholarships. I know that I'm a good student with an outstanding transcript and should not have trouble getting in anywhere, but I guess some part of me is avoiding it because of all those expectations. Every time I open common app or one of the college websites, there's so many links and things to fill out and it's just all way to overwhelming.
The fact that im avoiding it is stressing out my mother more than me though, but her being stressed means that the whole family is as well (which is unfair to her). I'm a bit scared that I might procrastinate the applications a lot like I procrastinate everything else and that's it's gonna hurt my chances at getting in to where I wanna go or earning scholarships
I have a tendency to avoid 1) all connecting with other humans (especially platonic connecting), and 2) anything that could make me be seen and visible; some deep wounds are always calling me to the "safety" and familiarity of isolation. I'm working on this a lot lately, but the avoidance is still there.
Currently gathering the strength to contact a local organizer to ask if I could help with an event- a huge step that I want to take, but worry that the avoidance won't let me do it in time. I'm also putting off figuring out ways to share my writing and art consistently.
I'm tired of being invisible, and I'm looking forward to meeting the version of myself who has gotten better at being seen and taking up space!
i avoid difficult conversations as much as possible or anything important, when someone say let’s talk,for some weird reason i get so anxious, and the impact ended being im left out of important information that i could use to help them or just be there, learnt that the hard way this year but im glaD im lucky enough to recognise this. 💖
These are amazing questions!! Especially, the 'what are you pulled towards instead' has been very much in my conciousness lately.
I am very close to finishing my Masters, I just need to write one report of some project I worked in and then I can focus on my thesis and another writing project I am very passionate about. It's this report that stands between me and these two projects. And I keep avoiding it at all cost.
The funny thing is that the report is not even graded, I just need to submit it and comply to some criteria. I believe it is so difficult for me because I have to report on work that I did that makes me very uncomfortable (unworthy?).
I want to get it done so that I can work on projects that I choose to do, although I will be facing other forms of resistance then.
The thing I am drawn too, are mechanical and bounded tasks where my body just acts without having to think much or where one limited mental capacity is required and there is some restriction of time and space (in contrast to these other pursuits that seem so vast and endless and serve a higher purpose for me). This can range from combing my hair, doing my nails, to puzzles and riddles that I find in the newspaper.