I loved reading your responses to last week’s thread on community. Thank you all for being so thoughtful and generous. I am in awe & my heart is full! 🥺💛
on my podcast, a few people left comments about friendship breakups (on Spotify). One journaling exercise I’ve used to process and grieve is writing letters I don’t send. I wanted to create a space for that here.
if it serves you: write and comment a letter to someone in your life with words you are too afraid to say, or words that it’s too late to. You can take this in any direction you like.
perhaps you’ve lost touch with a once dear friend, can’t come out to someone in your family or community, had a painful friendship or romantic break up, are not showing up authentically in a friendship or relationship and have a point of conflict or truth or desire burning inside you, and/or are grieving the death of someone you love… Tell us:
Who is this letter to? (eg, your mom, friend, ex-partner - feel free to create a codename, might I offer: “dear cactus”…)
What do you need to say?
What stops or stopped* you from saying it?
What impact has not speaking this truth had on you?
meet you in the comments! Sending love. ❤️💖
P.S. I of course have to mention this Audre Lorde essay, The Transformation of Silence into Language and Action, which you can also hear me read to you on my podcast
Sep 27, 2023·edited Sep 27, 2023Liked by ayandastood
to moon
i still think about you nearly everyday. most of these thoughts are quite mundane. i wonder if you are staying healthy, what music you might be enjoying, and what is happening with your passion projects. sometimes these thoughts are less mundane and i wonder about your emotional and spiritual transformation. are you excavating yourself from the inside out like me? are you learning anything new about yourself that surprised you, for better or worse? this grief feels like a haunting. a dear friend of mine is encouraging me to reflect on what is being mirrored back at me in this space of discomfort and resistance. i am grateful we decided to go no contact almost 10 months ago now. i still love you deeply and i wonder if this will ever change or if i will simply grow around this reality. i am incredibly sorry for how my inconsistency impacted you. i wish you well.
what stops me from saying this to moon: i am healing my own relational patterns and i am not deep enough into this work to sustain any type of conversation with moon that would not lead to our emotional enmeshment and flaring up of very old but powerful wounds. also, i am enjoying my delicious peace.
the impact of not speaking this truth: while i am not speaking this to moon, i have journaled and cried about this topic many times. and this feels like a sort of 'speaking'. staying connected to my breath helps tremendously.
Hey you, I can’t wait to see you again, I miss you dearly, it feels like I have so much of you and not enough, enticing, Alive, I can just picture days and days, you make me feel simple In a world so complex. You do something to the air, makes it better to breathe. God I love you, she makes me understand praise. I’m in no rush. And I want to hear about everything, when it’s time,
- this letter is to someone i'll call avocado. a dear ex best friend, and once considered to be a soulmate. maybe in another life, it just didn't work out in this one
- i would like to say how much i miss them. it comes and goes, as grief always does, but i miss them. i miss our random inside jokes, our hour long conversations, how much i could be myself around them and rarely considered if i was annoying them or not. how much they tried to be there for me and things we shared that we couldn't share with anyone else. i don't want them to think i ever took that for granted—because there were so many feelings and emotions that i felt for them. they knew this. we both did. but i also felt like i couldn't express it as much as i desired because we didn't have enough time to. and their partner also felt threatened by our connection so that didn't help much either. i just wish that our friendship and the love we had together was more important than the status quo. i wish their priorities were more aligned with mine, where friendship and community is more important than their fear of loneliness and surrounding themselves with people that cause harm, as long as it gives them an escape. their romantic relationship just led them to lose more and more sight of what's important, and i wish they could wake up to see that there is more to life than romance. i wish you were more courageous with the talks we had. you acknowledged these issues, these traits that you had that led to these decisions, but ultimately i was the main person in your life that rooted for you and kept you accountable for these things. i understand that it was much easier to stick to your comfort zone and continue doing things your way. i just wish that my love and courage was enough
- i can't say it because, well. it wouldn't really make a difference. i have a strong fear of forcing people to change—for me especially. and they're upset at me and my friends because my friends took up for me. i tried communicating with them about it since they did say to others that they felt bad, and hoping they would take accountability but instead they blocked me. and their partner doesn't like me so i've given up. i'll be the villain in their story i suppose
- it hasn't led to much except occasionally brief fillings in my chest of a certain form of yearning for another connection like that again. i have beautiful close friends in my life, i do. but nobody is replaceable. and no love is owed to us (although i do think it should be) it's all uncertain and unpredictable. we had a certain unexpected chemistry that i don't have with my other close friends. that's the bittersweet feeling about it all. i'm glad to have had the privilege to connect w them on such a level other people may not experience. i don't like comparing connections because it's futile at times, and i recognize that i've created beautiful friendships where the chemistry is similar and amazing. but nobody else i meet will ever be them. and although i wouldn't desire to be friends with them again, because it would be self sabotage, i recognize how occasionally the grief can swallow me up and there's a strong urge to hear their laughter. if only our values aligned
I want to say I can’t believe we have not spoken in a while. I knew this was to happen eventually. I expect people to walk away. Especially since I moved, I knew a few relationships would fall off. I cry for our friendship once a week. You’d think I’d be used to lose friends at this point but here I am writing this letter to you while my tears finish every sentence in ways punctuation could never.
My therapist lied. Okay she didn’t lied. Shit just got real. She said deep friendships require vulnerability and intimacy. They require true self. For the first time, I gave that. I left the mask at home with us. I dropped the wall for us.
I wish I could speak with you. I wish I could send you pictures of baby girl. She looks like me. I wish I could tell you I’m pansexual. I wish I could tell you I left the church. If I know what I did, I wish I could explain my side. I wish I could listen to your point. I wish you gave me a chance to hear what I may have done wrong. I wish you gave me a chance to talk this out. I just wanted to be there for you but maybe I pushed too hard.
He told me to leave the situation alone. He told me not to send that last message. Maybe I should’ve minded my own business but I was worried. As soon as I got the call that you might be in danger or at the least very stressed out, I just wanted to be there for you to be there with you. To hold space for you. Maybe that where I went wrong. When you said everything was fine the third time, I should’ve replied “ok sounds good.” Instead I inquired more. I pushed farther. I asked more for reassurance. Maybe you tried to tell me you were fine but I wouldn’t accept it.
That doesn’t change the silence. That doesn’t change the no birthday text. That doesn’t change no texts about my baby. I had such a rough delivery but needed someone to send funny memes or TikToks to past the time in the hospital. I couldn’t call or message you and that hurts so much. I needed you in the way I assumed you needed me.
But I was wrong.
I saw the “Happy Birthday” you commented on her son birthday post. A few days after my kids birthday but we got no message.
Nothing on my anniversary.
Nothing on my birthday.
Nothing on J’s birthday.
Nothing on K’s birthday.
Nothing after leaving the hospital.
Nothing.
I get your message now. I hear you. Loud and clear. I’m sorry. I love you. I will miss you friend.
To: Pasado (An important person to my past, for good and for bad) (My first boyfriend) (I am gay btw)
We are only a month away from a year for when I was able to stick to the clear boundary I set when leaving the relationship. The two years before that, they were an unpredictable mixture of pain, pleasure, paranoia, caring, betrayal, forgiveness... And I have come far from that time. After leaving work at 5pm on a normal Tuesday yesterday, I thought to myself "Isn't this boring..." and I thought to what felt like the least *boring* time of my life, was with you. Highs as far as the lunar obit, and lows beneath the sea... It was overall very damaging. My mental and subsequently physical health suffered with the decisions you were making, but most importantly with MY following decisions to stay.
So on that boring Tuesday evening, I was grateful to be bored. Even though my mind spliced the euphoric highs of being with you, the protective and nurturing environment you provided me, the laughs, the spontaneous trips across the world, the comfort to explore all parts of ourselves together... I know none of it was worth the lows. I don't want to bring those up, but I must. They cannot be separated from the good. The ways you elaborately lied about cheating. The times you were violent. The way you abused my emotional naivete, and brought my inner scared and alone child to you after every betrayal in the guise of safety. The way you invoked fear by showing up unannounced, sometimes across the world after I set clear boundaries to let me heal. I can forgive these things, and I have, but I will never go back to them.
I do want to say that the last time we spoke, I felt I was too mean. You had driven 24 hours to see me, in mexico, on my family trip. And although I told you to leave me alone, and I had every right to be angry... You are just struggling to hang onto the idea of redemption. You probably thought what you were doing was right, or loving... Even if it wasn't, and it isn't, the intention might still be real. Although I might never know, I want to imagine you meant to come to me in some twisted way, lovingly. The idea you have of love growing up might explain just that....
I can sit here and blame you for everything. But the truth is, my damage came from my decision to stay. In a sense I brought all of this to myself. You were only a manifestation of what existed in my mind. I could have left after the first time cheating (I did, you brought heaven to earth to convince me to stay) and maybe I can forgive myself of that one. But the many times after, I should have rejected to exist in a world where I allow that.
I have healed some of the parts of me that allowed you to stay. I know when I miss you that I still have work to do. And I will miss forever what it felt like before I learned of your first infidelity... My unbroken heart, after years hiding from all type of love and affection, being able to roam freely in the world... I miss those days. But I will find those days in my future. and they won't be followed by the bad.
awww this is so sweet 🫶😭🥹 these are words i’m afraid to say out loud!!!
to ma, thank you for all that you do for us, thank you for all that you don’t do for us, thank you for being so brave; coming all the way here so we can have a chance of having a better life, education and a lot more!!! we are okay, we will always be i promise! please be a little more selfish now, buy stuff for yourself, go out for yourself, thanks ma 🫶
I want to say that there is still space for us to share, but in this moment in time, even acts of love can only belie a jarring strangeness; unnatural affinity.
I could list a thousand things that could’ve saved us this ending, but if I could reach back and crowbar every single argument, every tear, every bruise and fracture, every time I spit my food or spilled milk...there would always be an inevitable discordance between us. I think that disconnect has been there since we met; destined.
But time irons out creases and covers memories with a fine gold gauze. It heals, it’s true.
And yet, why do you both refuse to look around you? You both stare in rapture at some arbitrary day before it all went wrong - you don’t realise how quickly the sand slips from your fingers. It never stops, not even for a mother or father, barely for a child, resolutely never for a daughter.
So move! Move! Do something, even if it means forgetting. “Forgiveness” will do you no good now. It only serves as a string of yarn, looping around and around the front gate to the back garden. The house is derelict now, there are no more homes.
I've never met you, but I still know that I love you. You are miles upon miles away, yet I feel like we share the same soul, and when you hurt, it hurts me too. I am sending you all the strength that I have to get you through the trials before you, and I know the next time I start to trudge up my own mountain you will send it back to me.
Oct 13, 2023·edited Oct 13, 2023Liked by ayandastood
This prompt is so beautiful, thank you. It comes after a week of choosing to speak my truth to a friend and the friendship ending and me actively walking away from a community I've been a part of on an off for 6 years. I feel like I expressed so much last week I have no words left to say right now. This letter is to myself.
To Libby
I wanted to hop on here with an act of Ho'oponopono - in Hawaiian: To make right, right.
I love you. I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.
I have given most every person in your life - from your 11 siblings, to friends, to lovers, to bosses, to perceived authority figures and gods - attention for their needs over you.
I have spent journals processing words to say and not say all based upon how it will make those people feel - writing and deleting, writing and deleting, writing and deleting, unsending, erasing, apologizing, apologizing, apologizing - for the sake of them.
I have allowed their words, their thoughts, their beliefs to consume uncountable mornings, afternoons, evenings and nights.
I have allowed their perceptions to form a cloud around your being and instead of listening to how this cloud made you feel I have tried to change you to live in the cloud.
I have both ignored and judged you in order to make the cloud workable.
I have formed the cloud to be an insufferable condition that cannot be overcome.
And I have laughed at, looked down upon and isolated you for your incapacity to exist in this cloud.
I don't understand fully why I've done this. And I'm sorry. I am really, truly sorry.
You, your body, your emotions - they were always so big - they were so much - and the voices of the cloud reminded you of that - all the things you already were afraid of - and the cloud seemed to calm you for a bit. When I reminded you of the cloud you stopped crying so much, stopped fighting so much. It felt safer to be in submission. Or, that's what it looked like. So I kept it there.
I thought the cloud could keep things softer.
I thought it might help you not get hurt by other things, or by yourself. It could insulate you, it could help you stay safe from the outside world.
A collection of voices and people to please to keep you always in submission to the wills of those around you.
This seems easier isn't it? You own thoughts and emotions are so complicated. It would be easier to submit to someone else's will.
And I can see now, that it's made you sad, angry, frustrated. I can see how frustrated you feel at others, but how more than anything - you're frustrated at me.
You're angry I didn't protect you. You're angry I didn't listen to you speaking up. You're angry I didn't trust you when you were speaking up.
You're angry I listen when you said - I need space.
You're angry I didn't see you.
That I'm scared to see you.
That I'm scared of you.
The reality is, I need help to trust you. And I know its not going to be an easy road. Or thats what it feels like to me. But after all this time - I'm willing to try.
But I need you to also see that I'm scared.
I'll leave it there for now.
Thank you for listening to me, because I know after all I've done there's a huge part of you that wants to throw me away, or simply doesn't know what to do with me.
I know I've been loud - talked over you and over and over. Please teach me to listen.
Love,
Libby
-- What stopped me from saying this before is that I had a very hard time admitting I was afraid.
-- It makes me feel vulnerable to speak this to myself, and vulnerable to share but this feels like the most important words to say and I woke up fighting with myself this morning. I think impacts with words always takes time, and to see the actions that follow. I can feel the part of me receiving this letter needing time to digest, time to give this other side of me a chance, time to see if I really will practice listening to my own will.
-- I also want to share one note: I'm 10 months into a love & relationship coaching program and religious trauma certification. The things spoken about here are complex. If something I said here triggers or resonates with you, you're welcome to reach out personally. libhof.designs@gmail.com. And thank you Ayanda for the prompt and the space to express.
I miss you so much. I see all the cool work you're doing abroad and I'm still rooting for you. You're finally getting to do what you love and you rock at it, I am so so proud of you!
I miss our friendship, I miss our laughter, I miss our banter, I miss our weirdness and I miss our singing. I understand that we grew older, you moved away and we lost touch. But I think about you often and I always hope life is holding you well. I hope your friendships make you feel alive, I hope your life is filled with love and pleasure, I hope your moments alone bring you grounding and I hope your hard times mould you well. I love you so much.
What stopped me from saying this: we fell out of contact with each other and our contact details changed. I suppose, from my side, just the fear of returning has stopped me, especially because ofhow long it's been.
The impact of not speaking this truth: just a lot of longing to check in with K and to find out how they're genuinely doing and to meet/get to know who they are now and introduce them to who I am now. Of late, this strong sense of longing slips into my subconscious too and comes up in my dreams and is in many corners of my mindscape. It is perhaps a sign to reach out and re-connect with K. The love has always been there.
to moon
i still think about you nearly everyday. most of these thoughts are quite mundane. i wonder if you are staying healthy, what music you might be enjoying, and what is happening with your passion projects. sometimes these thoughts are less mundane and i wonder about your emotional and spiritual transformation. are you excavating yourself from the inside out like me? are you learning anything new about yourself that surprised you, for better or worse? this grief feels like a haunting. a dear friend of mine is encouraging me to reflect on what is being mirrored back at me in this space of discomfort and resistance. i am grateful we decided to go no contact almost 10 months ago now. i still love you deeply and i wonder if this will ever change or if i will simply grow around this reality. i am incredibly sorry for how my inconsistency impacted you. i wish you well.
what stops me from saying this to moon: i am healing my own relational patterns and i am not deep enough into this work to sustain any type of conversation with moon that would not lead to our emotional enmeshment and flaring up of very old but powerful wounds. also, i am enjoying my delicious peace.
the impact of not speaking this truth: while i am not speaking this to moon, i have journaled and cried about this topic many times. and this feels like a sort of 'speaking'. staying connected to my breath helps tremendously.
Hey you, I can’t wait to see you again, I miss you dearly, it feels like I have so much of you and not enough, enticing, Alive, I can just picture days and days, you make me feel simple In a world so complex. You do something to the air, makes it better to breathe. God I love you, she makes me understand praise. I’m in no rush. And I want to hear about everything, when it’s time,
- this letter is to someone i'll call avocado. a dear ex best friend, and once considered to be a soulmate. maybe in another life, it just didn't work out in this one
- i would like to say how much i miss them. it comes and goes, as grief always does, but i miss them. i miss our random inside jokes, our hour long conversations, how much i could be myself around them and rarely considered if i was annoying them or not. how much they tried to be there for me and things we shared that we couldn't share with anyone else. i don't want them to think i ever took that for granted—because there were so many feelings and emotions that i felt for them. they knew this. we both did. but i also felt like i couldn't express it as much as i desired because we didn't have enough time to. and their partner also felt threatened by our connection so that didn't help much either. i just wish that our friendship and the love we had together was more important than the status quo. i wish their priorities were more aligned with mine, where friendship and community is more important than their fear of loneliness and surrounding themselves with people that cause harm, as long as it gives them an escape. their romantic relationship just led them to lose more and more sight of what's important, and i wish they could wake up to see that there is more to life than romance. i wish you were more courageous with the talks we had. you acknowledged these issues, these traits that you had that led to these decisions, but ultimately i was the main person in your life that rooted for you and kept you accountable for these things. i understand that it was much easier to stick to your comfort zone and continue doing things your way. i just wish that my love and courage was enough
- i can't say it because, well. it wouldn't really make a difference. i have a strong fear of forcing people to change—for me especially. and they're upset at me and my friends because my friends took up for me. i tried communicating with them about it since they did say to others that they felt bad, and hoping they would take accountability but instead they blocked me. and their partner doesn't like me so i've given up. i'll be the villain in their story i suppose
- it hasn't led to much except occasionally brief fillings in my chest of a certain form of yearning for another connection like that again. i have beautiful close friends in my life, i do. but nobody is replaceable. and no love is owed to us (although i do think it should be) it's all uncertain and unpredictable. we had a certain unexpected chemistry that i don't have with my other close friends. that's the bittersweet feeling about it all. i'm glad to have had the privilege to connect w them on such a level other people may not experience. i don't like comparing connections because it's futile at times, and i recognize that i've created beautiful friendships where the chemistry is similar and amazing. but nobody else i meet will ever be them. and although i wouldn't desire to be friends with them again, because it would be self sabotage, i recognize how occasionally the grief can swallow me up and there's a strong urge to hear their laughter. if only our values aligned
Dear you,
I miss you.
I want to say I can’t believe we have not spoken in a while. I knew this was to happen eventually. I expect people to walk away. Especially since I moved, I knew a few relationships would fall off. I cry for our friendship once a week. You’d think I’d be used to lose friends at this point but here I am writing this letter to you while my tears finish every sentence in ways punctuation could never.
My therapist lied. Okay she didn’t lied. Shit just got real. She said deep friendships require vulnerability and intimacy. They require true self. For the first time, I gave that. I left the mask at home with us. I dropped the wall for us.
I wish I could speak with you. I wish I could send you pictures of baby girl. She looks like me. I wish I could tell you I’m pansexual. I wish I could tell you I left the church. If I know what I did, I wish I could explain my side. I wish I could listen to your point. I wish you gave me a chance to hear what I may have done wrong. I wish you gave me a chance to talk this out. I just wanted to be there for you but maybe I pushed too hard.
He told me to leave the situation alone. He told me not to send that last message. Maybe I should’ve minded my own business but I was worried. As soon as I got the call that you might be in danger or at the least very stressed out, I just wanted to be there for you to be there with you. To hold space for you. Maybe that where I went wrong. When you said everything was fine the third time, I should’ve replied “ok sounds good.” Instead I inquired more. I pushed farther. I asked more for reassurance. Maybe you tried to tell me you were fine but I wouldn’t accept it.
That doesn’t change the silence. That doesn’t change the no birthday text. That doesn’t change no texts about my baby. I had such a rough delivery but needed someone to send funny memes or TikToks to past the time in the hospital. I couldn’t call or message you and that hurts so much. I needed you in the way I assumed you needed me.
But I was wrong.
I saw the “Happy Birthday” you commented on her son birthday post. A few days after my kids birthday but we got no message.
Nothing on my anniversary.
Nothing on my birthday.
Nothing on J’s birthday.
Nothing on K’s birthday.
Nothing after leaving the hospital.
Nothing.
I get your message now. I hear you. Loud and clear. I’m sorry. I love you. I will miss you friend.
Goodbye.
D
To: Pasado (An important person to my past, for good and for bad) (My first boyfriend) (I am gay btw)
We are only a month away from a year for when I was able to stick to the clear boundary I set when leaving the relationship. The two years before that, they were an unpredictable mixture of pain, pleasure, paranoia, caring, betrayal, forgiveness... And I have come far from that time. After leaving work at 5pm on a normal Tuesday yesterday, I thought to myself "Isn't this boring..." and I thought to what felt like the least *boring* time of my life, was with you. Highs as far as the lunar obit, and lows beneath the sea... It was overall very damaging. My mental and subsequently physical health suffered with the decisions you were making, but most importantly with MY following decisions to stay.
So on that boring Tuesday evening, I was grateful to be bored. Even though my mind spliced the euphoric highs of being with you, the protective and nurturing environment you provided me, the laughs, the spontaneous trips across the world, the comfort to explore all parts of ourselves together... I know none of it was worth the lows. I don't want to bring those up, but I must. They cannot be separated from the good. The ways you elaborately lied about cheating. The times you were violent. The way you abused my emotional naivete, and brought my inner scared and alone child to you after every betrayal in the guise of safety. The way you invoked fear by showing up unannounced, sometimes across the world after I set clear boundaries to let me heal. I can forgive these things, and I have, but I will never go back to them.
I do want to say that the last time we spoke, I felt I was too mean. You had driven 24 hours to see me, in mexico, on my family trip. And although I told you to leave me alone, and I had every right to be angry... You are just struggling to hang onto the idea of redemption. You probably thought what you were doing was right, or loving... Even if it wasn't, and it isn't, the intention might still be real. Although I might never know, I want to imagine you meant to come to me in some twisted way, lovingly. The idea you have of love growing up might explain just that....
I can sit here and blame you for everything. But the truth is, my damage came from my decision to stay. In a sense I brought all of this to myself. You were only a manifestation of what existed in my mind. I could have left after the first time cheating (I did, you brought heaven to earth to convince me to stay) and maybe I can forgive myself of that one. But the many times after, I should have rejected to exist in a world where I allow that.
I have healed some of the parts of me that allowed you to stay. I know when I miss you that I still have work to do. And I will miss forever what it felt like before I learned of your first infidelity... My unbroken heart, after years hiding from all type of love and affection, being able to roam freely in the world... I miss those days. But I will find those days in my future. and they won't be followed by the bad.
awww this is so sweet 🫶😭🥹 these are words i’m afraid to say out loud!!!
to ma, thank you for all that you do for us, thank you for all that you don’t do for us, thank you for being so brave; coming all the way here so we can have a chance of having a better life, education and a lot more!!! we are okay, we will always be i promise! please be a little more selfish now, buy stuff for yourself, go out for yourself, thanks ma 🫶
to the both of you,
I want to say that there is still space for us to share, but in this moment in time, even acts of love can only belie a jarring strangeness; unnatural affinity.
I could list a thousand things that could’ve saved us this ending, but if I could reach back and crowbar every single argument, every tear, every bruise and fracture, every time I spit my food or spilled milk...there would always be an inevitable discordance between us. I think that disconnect has been there since we met; destined.
But time irons out creases and covers memories with a fine gold gauze. It heals, it’s true.
And yet, why do you both refuse to look around you? You both stare in rapture at some arbitrary day before it all went wrong - you don’t realise how quickly the sand slips from your fingers. It never stops, not even for a mother or father, barely for a child, resolutely never for a daughter.
So move! Move! Do something, even if it means forgetting. “Forgiveness” will do you no good now. It only serves as a string of yarn, looping around and around the front gate to the back garden. The house is derelict now, there are no more homes.
So turn around and begin.
- E
Hi my love,
I've never met you, but I still know that I love you. You are miles upon miles away, yet I feel like we share the same soul, and when you hurt, it hurts me too. I am sending you all the strength that I have to get you through the trials before you, and I know the next time I start to trudge up my own mountain you will send it back to me.
This prompt is so beautiful, thank you. It comes after a week of choosing to speak my truth to a friend and the friendship ending and me actively walking away from a community I've been a part of on an off for 6 years. I feel like I expressed so much last week I have no words left to say right now. This letter is to myself.
To Libby
I wanted to hop on here with an act of Ho'oponopono - in Hawaiian: To make right, right.
I love you. I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.
I have given most every person in your life - from your 11 siblings, to friends, to lovers, to bosses, to perceived authority figures and gods - attention for their needs over you.
I have spent journals processing words to say and not say all based upon how it will make those people feel - writing and deleting, writing and deleting, writing and deleting, unsending, erasing, apologizing, apologizing, apologizing - for the sake of them.
I have allowed their words, their thoughts, their beliefs to consume uncountable mornings, afternoons, evenings and nights.
I have allowed their perceptions to form a cloud around your being and instead of listening to how this cloud made you feel I have tried to change you to live in the cloud.
I have both ignored and judged you in order to make the cloud workable.
I have formed the cloud to be an insufferable condition that cannot be overcome.
And I have laughed at, looked down upon and isolated you for your incapacity to exist in this cloud.
I don't understand fully why I've done this. And I'm sorry. I am really, truly sorry.
You, your body, your emotions - they were always so big - they were so much - and the voices of the cloud reminded you of that - all the things you already were afraid of - and the cloud seemed to calm you for a bit. When I reminded you of the cloud you stopped crying so much, stopped fighting so much. It felt safer to be in submission. Or, that's what it looked like. So I kept it there.
I thought the cloud could keep things softer.
I thought it might help you not get hurt by other things, or by yourself. It could insulate you, it could help you stay safe from the outside world.
A collection of voices and people to please to keep you always in submission to the wills of those around you.
This seems easier isn't it? You own thoughts and emotions are so complicated. It would be easier to submit to someone else's will.
And I can see now, that it's made you sad, angry, frustrated. I can see how frustrated you feel at others, but how more than anything - you're frustrated at me.
You're angry I didn't protect you. You're angry I didn't listen to you speaking up. You're angry I didn't trust you when you were speaking up.
You're angry I listen when you said - I need space.
You're angry I didn't see you.
That I'm scared to see you.
That I'm scared of you.
The reality is, I need help to trust you. And I know its not going to be an easy road. Or thats what it feels like to me. But after all this time - I'm willing to try.
But I need you to also see that I'm scared.
I'll leave it there for now.
Thank you for listening to me, because I know after all I've done there's a huge part of you that wants to throw me away, or simply doesn't know what to do with me.
I know I've been loud - talked over you and over and over. Please teach me to listen.
Love,
Libby
-- What stopped me from saying this before is that I had a very hard time admitting I was afraid.
-- It makes me feel vulnerable to speak this to myself, and vulnerable to share but this feels like the most important words to say and I woke up fighting with myself this morning. I think impacts with words always takes time, and to see the actions that follow. I can feel the part of me receiving this letter needing time to digest, time to give this other side of me a chance, time to see if I really will practice listening to my own will.
-- I also want to share one note: I'm 10 months into a love & relationship coaching program and religious trauma certification. The things spoken about here are complex. If something I said here triggers or resonates with you, you're welcome to reach out personally. libhof.designs@gmail.com. And thank you Ayanda for the prompt and the space to express.
To K,
I miss you so much. I see all the cool work you're doing abroad and I'm still rooting for you. You're finally getting to do what you love and you rock at it, I am so so proud of you!
I miss our friendship, I miss our laughter, I miss our banter, I miss our weirdness and I miss our singing. I understand that we grew older, you moved away and we lost touch. But I think about you often and I always hope life is holding you well. I hope your friendships make you feel alive, I hope your life is filled with love and pleasure, I hope your moments alone bring you grounding and I hope your hard times mould you well. I love you so much.
What stopped me from saying this: we fell out of contact with each other and our contact details changed. I suppose, from my side, just the fear of returning has stopped me, especially because ofhow long it's been.
The impact of not speaking this truth: just a lot of longing to check in with K and to find out how they're genuinely doing and to meet/get to know who they are now and introduce them to who I am now. Of late, this strong sense of longing slips into my subconscious too and comes up in my dreams and is in many corners of my mindscape. It is perhaps a sign to reach out and re-connect with K. The love has always been there.