hi earth angels, I hope this finds you at ease and at peace. Recently I’ve been feeling a deep sense of despair, brought to a peak by the white supremacist, anti-Black, anti-poor, and ableist lynching of Jordan Neely. May he rest in peace. But by now these words are almost insulting. Despair in particular is an emotion that I struggle to write about. It feels very final and incurable to me. When despair visits me, it feels like rock bottom. I feel frozen, and since I’m working on reconnecting to my body and the embodiment of my emotions, I let myself freeze and be immovable. I do not rush to ignore the inner part of me that longs to be icily frozen still. I feel the being beneath my skin, beneath the outer layer of my consciousness, itching to move. but I don’t let her. I feel and am helpless and frozen. and I let myself sink into the hyperreality of that feeling.
Despair is hard. For years, I was also in a place where I thought everything was meaningless. It's a very difficult feeling to shake. I would constantly wish I hadn't been born because I didn't see the point of my existence. I wasn't suicidal, but it was hard for me to grasp the benefit of being alive. I think being still/frozen definitely helped me. It gave me time to think. Oddly enough, listening to sad music helped as well. I think it made me feel less alone in what I was feeling.
Stories help as well. Fiction or nonfiction stories about people overcoming tremendous odds. They always remind me that the first step toward achieving any progress is to have a bit of hope, faith, or belief. We can't move forward and begin to create a better life for ourselves or for the people around us, if we don't have that small bit of hope to start with. We have to do what we can to cultivate that small seed so that it keeps growing and leads us out of despair. There's no other way.
Wow, thank you for your vulnerability, Courtney. Truly, thank you so much. It is indeed such a difficult feeling to shake. Thank you for the insight re: listening to sad music. I avoid doing that but I think that there is so much wisdom in moving towards the melancholic in order to heal from it rather than fleeing from it out of fear and discomfort. I will try this soon! I so agree with you on the power of stories and the absolute necessity to find our way back to hope, again and again. I think that's what the quote about wrestling with despair, but insisting on winning. Thank you for being so thoughtful and generous with your words. Sending you love today!
Thank you for your vulnerability and authenticity. I too have been feeling despair and sadness about and towards the world recently.
I really resonated with what you said about the artist in you trying to make this emotion generative. I feel that a lot about my art and my work and activism.
I think that sometimes the sadness and collective trauma and suffering around us can result in a feeling of futility but something that has really helped me when I think that everything is bad is something I saw on Instagram. It was a simple post that said “I know the world is good because I know I am good”. I think it works both as an affirmation and a way to promote hopefulness.
Thank you so much for yours as well! Thank you for taking the time to leave this here. I am glad it resonated with you, already that made it generative for me. I agree and love what you are saying. Sigh. I am so grateful to have you here, Kezia. Sending you all the love and thank you for the beautiful quote. Simple and powerful. Grateful to be in community with you. 💜💜
One thing that strikes me as I consider how my body responds to despair is that I often feel like it brings me to my knees. Sometimes literally. And I wonder if that impulse is something to do with pulling us to the Earth. Like being pulled into a mothers lap to be held until we’re strong enough to move off on our own again.
Thank you so so much, Sarah. This is such a powerful image and sensation. I love how you are connecting it to being pulled down to earth! YES! Wow. "Like being pulled into a mothers lap" that's so so wonderful and rings so true to me. Also, I love the name of your Substack! I've been thinking so much about how to embody our emotions. Thank you for your work and for being here!!! <3 <3 <3
Thank you! I’ve recently qualified as an embodiment coach so I love all invitations to bring our body’s expression into our interpretation of the world. Very often our body holds so much nuance beyond what the conscious mind was a aware of and when we bring it into the conversation it can add so much ❤️
firstly thank you so much for your vulnerability and i cannot emphasise enough the appreciation and love i have for you 😭🪻🦋🧚🏽♀️🪲i am so touched that in deep despair you seek for connection with us and write. that is beyond inspiring to me. ❤️🩹❤️🩹🤍🤍
i too feel the same way about the world recently, i cry after reading the news, then as i go about my day i try to remember what it is i just read and i smile because at least i was able to cry and i know a lot us would like that but unable too. so i smile to strangers. i say good morning world and good night to the world, which seems a little crazy but that’s an act that tells me I’ve lived the day, earth is still here, it’s gratitude 🙏 I try to fully embody it everyday. despair opens doors to gratitude for me 🌱🌱🐚🌜🌛🌚⭐️🌻
the group of people who helped me most at times of despair are kids 😭, they’re actual angels 🌳😭.my younger sibling once asked “why are people angry that houseless people spend money on cigarettes after giving them money?” “why do we think we know what’s best for them, we don’t even live they way they live.” and i was stunned, wow it was things like that when i feel despair i remember gratitude that I’ve lived closely with imaginations that feel so far from my mind, it’s simple questions, words like that which helped, and so i smile and say good morning world and goodnight world.
Hi darling Sania!!!! 🦋💖🦋 HAPPY SUNDAY!!!!! 🌻😍🌻😍. THANK YOU, as always and always, FOR YOUR GENEROUS AND LOVING AND INSPIRING WORDS!!!! I connect to soooo much of what you said. I am so the same, I literally wake up and I'm like, Another day on earth!!! I love the idea of greeting and saying goodnight to a new day, to the world that has allowed us to keep existing. So just know I'm doing the same thing with you! I love that you smile at strangers and it is so clear you try to be a shining light for people. That's such a gift, the light you radiate! The world is lucky !!!
Thank you for always seeing me and taking the time to express the most loving and affectionate words of gratitude. It truly means THE WORLD TO ME to reach you and to feel reached and touched by you and your divine consciousness and energy!
What you said about kids is SUCH A LIGHTBULB moment for me because last December I was spending time with my little cousins and I was like wow, this is sheer presence and joy, I need to spend more time with kids. I love what you said about your younger sibling, very wise and very true! I would love to find ways to spend more time with children, because you are so right! They pull you out of despair and into joy, hope, the present moment, love, light, and glee. They are such wise teachers! As are you. Thank you for being here!!! I WILL SEE YOU SOON!!!!!!!! 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖
Aweeee I love you so much!!!!!!! Your heart is so big and kind ☁️🤲🌻😭💖💅 thank you for such heartwarming words i screenshoted them to read and I cannot wait to see you and Alex some day. Children are definitely the most wonderful teachers, love them ajjajajajaj 🫶🫶🫶💖🤍
I think despair can feel like a dark hole. But I also think, when we can feel despair in community, what we might get is hope and hope is a muse. The artist in us to create the world we want, that doesn't happen alone.
thank you so much Kim!!! I so agree. Your words make me think of a despair circle, where we come together and mourn, weep, but also sing, dance. Tell stories, and naturally make our way back to joy. Thank you for taking the time to comment and for being here!
I find despair shines best by water and dirt... in bathrooms, the rain, wet grass. Bringing the body into a slight discomfort and letting go of all muscle tone. Letting yourself sign/scream a bit. Finally, opening your eyes.. then you may feel the ability to cry or laugh or both. It’s a helpful process to move despair into the water and connect to your child self whose heart is broken by the world. Often then, the fire ignites inside you and you see clearly how to move forward
I suppose I have never really made space for despair. Rather, it TAKES up space. I just wallow in it. I physically can't move and a mental war ensues and I've just accepted it as a part of life, as something that shows up occasionally and never really leaves.
I wait it out, a kind of "this too shall pass" mindset I have on it I guess.
But now I wonder if there are better tools to "dealing" with it. I am heavily pondering the question from your therapist, about what it gives you and wants from you. I don't know.
Despair is hard. For years, I was also in a place where I thought everything was meaningless. It's a very difficult feeling to shake. I would constantly wish I hadn't been born because I didn't see the point of my existence. I wasn't suicidal, but it was hard for me to grasp the benefit of being alive. I think being still/frozen definitely helped me. It gave me time to think. Oddly enough, listening to sad music helped as well. I think it made me feel less alone in what I was feeling.
Stories help as well. Fiction or nonfiction stories about people overcoming tremendous odds. They always remind me that the first step toward achieving any progress is to have a bit of hope, faith, or belief. We can't move forward and begin to create a better life for ourselves or for the people around us, if we don't have that small bit of hope to start with. We have to do what we can to cultivate that small seed so that it keeps growing and leads us out of despair. There's no other way.
Wow, thank you for your vulnerability, Courtney. Truly, thank you so much. It is indeed such a difficult feeling to shake. Thank you for the insight re: listening to sad music. I avoid doing that but I think that there is so much wisdom in moving towards the melancholic in order to heal from it rather than fleeing from it out of fear and discomfort. I will try this soon! I so agree with you on the power of stories and the absolute necessity to find our way back to hope, again and again. I think that's what the quote about wrestling with despair, but insisting on winning. Thank you for being so thoughtful and generous with your words. Sending you love today!
Thank you for your vulnerability and authenticity. I too have been feeling despair and sadness about and towards the world recently.
I really resonated with what you said about the artist in you trying to make this emotion generative. I feel that a lot about my art and my work and activism.
I think that sometimes the sadness and collective trauma and suffering around us can result in a feeling of futility but something that has really helped me when I think that everything is bad is something I saw on Instagram. It was a simple post that said “I know the world is good because I know I am good”. I think it works both as an affirmation and a way to promote hopefulness.
💜
Thank you so much for yours as well! Thank you for taking the time to leave this here. I am glad it resonated with you, already that made it generative for me. I agree and love what you are saying. Sigh. I am so grateful to have you here, Kezia. Sending you all the love and thank you for the beautiful quote. Simple and powerful. Grateful to be in community with you. 💜💜
All the love back to you too 🫶🏽 thank you for this space
One thing that strikes me as I consider how my body responds to despair is that I often feel like it brings me to my knees. Sometimes literally. And I wonder if that impulse is something to do with pulling us to the Earth. Like being pulled into a mothers lap to be held until we’re strong enough to move off on our own again.
Thank you so so much, Sarah. This is such a powerful image and sensation. I love how you are connecting it to being pulled down to earth! YES! Wow. "Like being pulled into a mothers lap" that's so so wonderful and rings so true to me. Also, I love the name of your Substack! I've been thinking so much about how to embody our emotions. Thank you for your work and for being here!!! <3 <3 <3
Thank you! I’ve recently qualified as an embodiment coach so I love all invitations to bring our body’s expression into our interpretation of the world. Very often our body holds so much nuance beyond what the conscious mind was a aware of and when we bring it into the conversation it can add so much ❤️
oh wow yes yes yes, i fee the same way ☁️☁️☁️☁️
firstly thank you so much for your vulnerability and i cannot emphasise enough the appreciation and love i have for you 😭🪻🦋🧚🏽♀️🪲i am so touched that in deep despair you seek for connection with us and write. that is beyond inspiring to me. ❤️🩹❤️🩹🤍🤍
i too feel the same way about the world recently, i cry after reading the news, then as i go about my day i try to remember what it is i just read and i smile because at least i was able to cry and i know a lot us would like that but unable too. so i smile to strangers. i say good morning world and good night to the world, which seems a little crazy but that’s an act that tells me I’ve lived the day, earth is still here, it’s gratitude 🙏 I try to fully embody it everyday. despair opens doors to gratitude for me 🌱🌱🐚🌜🌛🌚⭐️🌻
the group of people who helped me most at times of despair are kids 😭, they’re actual angels 🌳😭.my younger sibling once asked “why are people angry that houseless people spend money on cigarettes after giving them money?” “why do we think we know what’s best for them, we don’t even live they way they live.” and i was stunned, wow it was things like that when i feel despair i remember gratitude that I’ve lived closely with imaginations that feel so far from my mind, it’s simple questions, words like that which helped, and so i smile and say good morning world and goodnight world.
💅💖🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🤞✊⭐️🐚☁️🧚🏽♀️🐞🌻🌱❤️🩹🤍😍
Hi darling Sania!!!! 🦋💖🦋 HAPPY SUNDAY!!!!! 🌻😍🌻😍. THANK YOU, as always and always, FOR YOUR GENEROUS AND LOVING AND INSPIRING WORDS!!!! I connect to soooo much of what you said. I am so the same, I literally wake up and I'm like, Another day on earth!!! I love the idea of greeting and saying goodnight to a new day, to the world that has allowed us to keep existing. So just know I'm doing the same thing with you! I love that you smile at strangers and it is so clear you try to be a shining light for people. That's such a gift, the light you radiate! The world is lucky !!!
Thank you for always seeing me and taking the time to express the most loving and affectionate words of gratitude. It truly means THE WORLD TO ME to reach you and to feel reached and touched by you and your divine consciousness and energy!
What you said about kids is SUCH A LIGHTBULB moment for me because last December I was spending time with my little cousins and I was like wow, this is sheer presence and joy, I need to spend more time with kids. I love what you said about your younger sibling, very wise and very true! I would love to find ways to spend more time with children, because you are so right! They pull you out of despair and into joy, hope, the present moment, love, light, and glee. They are such wise teachers! As are you. Thank you for being here!!! I WILL SEE YOU SOON!!!!!!!! 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖
Aweeee I love you so much!!!!!!! Your heart is so big and kind ☁️🤲🌻😭💖💅 thank you for such heartwarming words i screenshoted them to read and I cannot wait to see you and Alex some day. Children are definitely the most wonderful teachers, love them ajjajajajaj 🫶🫶🫶💖🤍
I think despair can feel like a dark hole. But I also think, when we can feel despair in community, what we might get is hope and hope is a muse. The artist in us to create the world we want, that doesn't happen alone.
thank you so much Kim!!! I so agree. Your words make me think of a despair circle, where we come together and mourn, weep, but also sing, dance. Tell stories, and naturally make our way back to joy. Thank you for taking the time to comment and for being here!
I find despair shines best by water and dirt... in bathrooms, the rain, wet grass. Bringing the body into a slight discomfort and letting go of all muscle tone. Letting yourself sign/scream a bit. Finally, opening your eyes.. then you may feel the ability to cry or laugh or both. It’s a helpful process to move despair into the water and connect to your child self whose heart is broken by the world. Often then, the fire ignites inside you and you see clearly how to move forward
Wow. What a read.
I suppose I have never really made space for despair. Rather, it TAKES up space. I just wallow in it. I physically can't move and a mental war ensues and I've just accepted it as a part of life, as something that shows up occasionally and never really leaves.
I wait it out, a kind of "this too shall pass" mindset I have on it I guess.
But now I wonder if there are better tools to "dealing" with it. I am heavily pondering the question from your therapist, about what it gives you and wants from you. I don't know.